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KATHARINE 



KATHARINE 



A TRAVESTY 



BY / 

JOHN KENDRICK BANGS 
II 




MAP pQ '\m 



MDCCCI^XXXVIII 



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Copyright, 1888 
By John Kendrick Bangs 



2Do 



DRAMATIS PERSON.^ 



A gentleman of Verona in search of a wife not 
lacking in spirit or wealth, particularly the 
latter. 

A wealthy resident of Padua with a surplus of 
daughters. 

A gentleman of Pisa quite willing to aid 

Baptista in reducing the surplus. 
A servant and accomplice to Lucentio. 

Two gentlemen of Padua in search of wealth, 
also willing to aid Baptista in the reduction 
of the surplus. 

Servant to Petrucio. 

Ser\'ant to I.ucentio. 

The surplus. The first of a fiery disposition, 
reckless and unbroken. The second amiable 
but intelligent. 

A widow before her first appearance, coinci- 
dently and subsequently a bride. 

Cooks, messenger boys, newsboys, supernumeraries, musicians, 
base drummers, ushers, auditors and costumes. 



Petrucio . 

Baptista . 
Lucentio , 
Tranio : 



Hortensio . 
Gremio : 



Grumio : 
Biondello . 



Katharine . 
Bianca : 



Laura 



ACT I. 



SCENE 1. Padua. A Public Place. 



Numbers of Paduans are discovered. As the curtain 
rises they advance and sing the Opening Chorus. 



OPENING CHORUS. 

Oh, the festive youth of Padua, 
We are ! 

Italians bold and bad in fullest measure, 
We boldly dissipate 
To the horror of the State, 

And we never do abate aught of pleasure. 

It matters not the time of day. 
We say. 
For Italians bold and bad are dissipating 
In the darkness of the night. 



4 KATHARINE, 

In the garish glare of light, 

'Mongst the doers of the right rarely rating. 

We believe that earthly life is sort 
Of short, 

And we think the fair is worthy of the brave, 
So we sacrifice to pleasure. 
In the very fullest measure, 

Till we seek the well-earned leisure of the grave. 

Enter Lucentio arid Tranzo. 

Lucentio : To Padua I 've always wished to come. 

But up to date my father 's kept me home ; 
To apron strings I 've been securely tied, 
Doomed not to travel 'yond the fireside. 
In smoke and flames, i' faith, much can be 

seen: 
Castles, and fields, and danksome moat 

between ; 
But all this ends at last in conflagration 
And leaves behind a strained imagination. 
The joys of smoke the Governor re- 
sented — 
" A habit vile by Hades' Lord invented " 
And as for flames, I could not see a maid 
Without the deuce to pay — and always 

paid. 
Flirtation sweet, I never dared to try it — 



A TRAVESTY. 5 

That is, not oft, and then upon the quiet. 
At last one night to him I gave the hint 

\Pomts to Tranio. 

To pack my trunk and put my best suit 

in 't. 
To leave my Pisan home I 'd set my mind. 
I loved my dad, but he was much too kind, 
Paying me by far too great attention — 
As if I had a vote in a convention. 
And he by an undying thirst 
For public office was accur'st. 
Then, while my worthy sire slept, 
We two adown the ivy crept. 
And old Vincentio waked the following 

morn. 
Called loudly for us, but 

We 'd gene. 

Now, as our chief ambition 's to imprint 
A genial, warm and carminated tint 
Upon this town, we '11 start to-night — 
What think'st thou, Tranio ? 

Tranio : My Lord, you 're right. 

Lucent zo : And now, good Tranio, ere we push along 
Do you enchant mine ear with song. 



J 



KATHARINE, 
SONG. 

TWO LITTLE DUDES. 

Tranio : 

Two little Dudes from Pisa we, 
Starting out the world to see, 
Filled to the brim with ghoulish glee, 
Two little Dudes are we ! 

Lucentio : 

I've run away from my papa, 
To apron strings I've bid ta-ta ! 

Tranio : 

Life's continuous ha-ha-ha 
To little Dudes, tee-hee ! 

Both : 

Two little Dudes with spirits airy. 
Skipped while the Governor, all unwary, 
Lay fast asleep in his big library — 
Two little Dudes are we ! 

Lucefitio : 

One little Dude 's Lucentio — 
That's my name, I'd have you know, 



A TRA VESTY. y 

Tranio : 
The police know me as Tranio ! 
Two little Dudes are we ! 

Lucentio : 
When two little Dudes get it in their head 
To paint a pretty little townlet red — 

Tranio : 
They often succeed — that 's what is said ! 
Both : 
Two little Dudes are we ! 
Two little Dudes with spirits airy, 
Skipped while the Governor all unwary 
Lay fast asleep in his big library. 
{Enter Baptista, Katharine, Bianca, Gremio and 
Hortensio. Lucentio and Tranio, seeing them, rush 
each to one side of stage, and, before taking their 
exit, turn and sing in a whisper .•] 

Two little Dudes are we ! 

[Exeunt Tranio and Lucentio, 

Baptista: {Impatiently?^ I tell you, gentlemen, I 
will not 
Let Bianca marry till I 've got 
A husband for my daughter Kate — 
A girl in all things temperate. 
The eldest daughter should be first 



8 KATHARINE. 

In matrimony's sea immersed. 
Now, if you gentlemen would raffle 
For Katie, I '11 remove the snaffle 
Which I have placed upon the bit 
Of those who with Bianca sit. 

Greinio : I thank thee, friend, for that thou hast 
Given us an opportunity at last, 
But I had rather ever dance 
A Bachelor than take one chance 
Of having Katharine for my wife, 
To temper all my joy in life. 

Hortensio: [Asz'de.] By Jove, old Gremio 's right 
about it, 
A likely notion ! All men would flout it. 
Yet, if the old man I could baffle, 
For worthy Kate perhaps I 'd raffle. 

But no ! The thought that I might win 

her! 
Great Waverley ! 'T would spoil my dinner. 
Katharine : See here, papa, you 'd better take 
A little care 'bout how you make 
Remarks upon my lonely state. 
Nor be too wild to have me mate. 
'T would take a regiment of men 
To beard this lioness in her den ! 
And, even with ten thousand such. 



A TRA VESTY. q 

You 'd find it hard to tame me much. 
So have a care. Propose no silly swain 
Like yonder youth with much more limb 

than brain ; 
Or Gremio there, who speaks about a 

" dance," y 

Whose inefficient knee doth bag his pants. 
[^Enter Lucentw, who hears Katharine s last words. 
Tranio follows i\ 

Lucentio : [Aside.'] I do n't want her ! Lucentio 
ne'er espouses 
A maid who thus refers to trousers. 
\Baptista, Katharine, Horteiisio and Gremio retire 
to back of stage quarrehng. Bianca following them 
runs into Lucentio. Both start.] 

Lucentio : Excuse me. 

Bianca : I certainly shall pardon you, 

For an offense so slight I could not well 
be hard on you. 
Lucentio : [Aside.] By all the gods ! I never saw 

One quite so beautiful before ! 
Bianca: [Aside.] A pretty youth. I think that 
he's a 

Voyager, perhaps from Pisa — 

I judge so from his general style. 
Lucentio : Good Tranio, gaze upon that smile ! 



JO 



KA THARINE. 



I hope, dear madame, that I 've not an- 
noyed you, [ 
Nor in any manner seemed t' have cloyed Ij 

you. 
The fact is, I 'm a stranger here ; 
I knew not where I walked — 

Bianca : Oh, never fear. 

Of course, I do not like the sport 
Of having strangers run athwart 
My path, so that they knock me down ; 
But, as you 're a stranger in the town. 
Why, I '11 forgive. 

Thanks ! Whom have I 
The beatific pleasure to espy } 
Thy question is quite natural, yet 
Thou overlook'st the etiquette 
Which should exist 'twixt man and maid, 
Rules in Padua, ne'er disobeyed. 
I cannot tell you of myself, nor Kate. 
Thy inquiries thou must abate. 

Luceniw : To hear thy words leaves me distressed. 
But I submit. Jam satis est. 
[He turns away, Bianca sings .•] 



Lucentio : 



Bianca 



ETIQUETTE SONG. 

If etiquette permitted me 
To introduce myself to you. 



A TRAVESTY. ii 

And tell you who I chanced to be, 

That's just the thing I'd like to do ; 
But in my book of manners spruce 
It says quite plain of this abuse, 
Who'll introduce 
One's self 's a goose. 
Such manners will let loose the deuce, 

And when I meet a man like you, 
A handsome, interesting man, 
I pine to tell how him I view 
Yon gloomy style of Paduan ; 
\Points to Gremio and Hortensz'o.'] 
But slander I can ne'er forget, 
Is contrary to etiquette. 

It 's here in print. 
Just take a squint. 
Yes, yes. 
It 's contrary to etiquette. 
Again I'd like to say to you, 
That Papa is a millionaire. 
That I'm the heir of an uncle who 

Will shortly climb the golden stair, 
But here it says as plain as day. 
Of riches make no vain display, 
And so I may 
Make no display 
Of what's to come my way some day. 



V 



12 



KATHARINE. 



Indeed, there's much I'd gladly state, 

If social rules would but permit ; 
If etiquette would but abate — 
One jot of all its rules remit, 
But as it is, the laws are set, 
And being bound by etiquette, 
Bianca must 
Discreetly dust, 
Yes, yes, 
Lest she should fracture etiquette. 
\JE.xit with all but Tranio and Lucentio 
Tranio : {^Shaking his head.] Ah me ! The master 's 
hit, I fear. 
This spoils my fun. Oh dear, oh dear ! 
Lucentio : Run, Tranio ! Find where yon maid hath 
dwelling — 
My heart with love is fairly swelling — 
And, mind, until you 've found the place. 
Do n't dare to show to me your face. 
Meanwhile, about the town I '11 prowl. 
And lay my plans to make Rome howl. 

{^Exit^ 

Tranio : [ With a sigh.] It 's just my luck ! To get 

in sight of riot 

And settle down to most egregious quiet. 

I wish old Cupid would kindly keep his 

darts. 



A TRAVESTY. 



13 



Or else go shooting in some other parts. 

But hold. I must be off or they 

Will get beyond my sight. Good day ! 

\Exit. 

{Enter Petrucio and Grmnzo.'] 

Let 's see, I think they said that number 

six 
Was where Hortensio piled the bricks 
From which is built his ancient castle. 
Step up and ring the door-bell, vassal. 

{Inspecting the door.'] As well require 

stability of a rocker 
As ask a slave to ring a knocker. 

Thou gibest, man ? Why, thou art but a 

mortal, 
Yet could I wring thy neck ! Go to yon 

portal 
And loudly rap. Likewise omit 
Those sorry shafts thou callest wit — 
I like not well that disposition sunny 
That wastes its time in trying to be funny. 

{Seizing the knocker^ Full well I know 

what is thy pleasure, 
I '11 give this ki%cker fullest measure. 

{Knocks, 



1 



14 



Petructo : 
Hortensto . 



Grimiio : 

Hortensto 
Petructo : 



Hortensto 



KATHARINE. 



I '11 hammer here until the judgment day, 
I 'U knock 'til you have grandsons, old andf 
gray. 

[Knocks. , 
I '11 pelt the door with this small brazen i 

bit 
Until the English girls wear clothes that fit. , 

[Knocks. 
I '11 hit it, strike it, lamm and pound, 
I '11 kick and jab it, 'til it sound 
Like distant thunder's sullen roar — 

[Knocks. 
Oh, do shut up ! Do n't break the door ! 
[Ope7img the door.] Well, what on earth 

is all this racket ? 
The door 's all right. Why do you whack it 
As if 't was guilty of some sin ? 
It 's about time you let us in ! 
[Hortensto sees Petructo.'] 
[Joyfully.] Why, is not this Petrucio ? 
It is — that is, they tell me so. 
And you, my dear old college friend, 
I 've come to see you. Perhaps I '11 spend 
A year or two. Your very cordial note 
Led me on foreign seas t' embark my boat. 
[Gloomt'ly.] Dost really think thou 'It stay 
a year 



A TRAVESTY 



^5 



With me in yonder mansion drear ? 
Not that I 'd wish to have you go, 
But a year is pretty long, you know. 

tructo : Well, we will see. It all depends 

On whether fortune my quest attends. 
From my native town, Verona, I have 

come 
To seek a wife — a maiden frolicsome. 
And one that 's not afraid to speak her 

mind — 
To vapid sweetness I am not inclined. 

Grumio : Indeed, I think, my Lord, if you 

Should wed the most confirmed shrew. 

She'd be subdued much quicker than it 
takes 

The festive lamb to give his tail two 
shakes. 
Petrucio : I asked thee not for thy opinion. 

So get thee gone, thou saucy minion ! 
Hortensio : [Asz'de.] This notion sets my heart a-whirl 

The shrewish Kate is just the girl ! 

A man for Kate ! For this her dad doth 
hanker. 

Petrucio for her, for me Bianca ! 
Petrucio : What words, Hortensio, dost thou mumble ? 

Confide them to thy servant humble. 



i6 



KATHARINE. 



Grumio : Yes, sweet Hortensio, tell us what thotn 
say'st ? 

Petrucio : Oh, Grumio, get out ! Give us a rest ! 

Hortensio : I mumbled, sir, about a maid that I know 
With hair the tint of solferino. 
She has the very best complexion 
That can be furnished in this section. 
She dresses like a queen. Indeed, 
Were not my own affections gone to seed, , 
I 'd try to win the maid myself ; 
But, good Petrucio, I 'm laid upon the 

shelf. 
Now Katharine — that 's the lady's name — 
For Petrucio is just the dame ! 
She 's rich and proud, and has the proper 

notion 
'Bout how to live, and views without 

emotion 
The passing years which leave her still a 

maid. 
And never hesitates to call a spade a 

spade. 
Now I suggest that you go straightway 
To Villa Minola, just within the gate-way, 
'T is there this maid from babyhood has 

tarried 



A TRAVESTY. 



17 



And 't is from there I hope she '11 soon be 
married. 

Your words enchant me, Hortensio, 
But there is one thing I must know ; 
You say she 's rich in worldly goods, 
But you seem to whistle ere you leave 

the woods. 
As to her birth ? You really have n't said 
A word about it ! Petrucio may wed 
A maiden with a wig of almost any hue, 
But when it comes to blood, that must be 

blue. 

{^Tranio rushes in. 

[Asz'de.] 'T would please me much to find 

my master — 
I greatly fear he 's met disaster. 
I followed Miss Bianca down 
And up the street, all over town, 
The while her father formed a plan 
To find an educated man, 
To take Bianca and to teach her — 
Which gives Lucentio a chance to reach 

her. 
I fain would find him, ere the race 
Is so far run he '11 fail to get a place. 



j8 



KA r MARINE. 



Hortensio : You see, Petrucio, in blood that's blue] 
Katharine is quite as rich as you. 

Petrucio : Indeed she is. My father knew her dad- 
In fact, Baptista was his " fad " — 
Which, being so, I '11 at once betake 
My way unto his residence. I '11 make 
My most exquisite bow to Kate, 
And tell her that at last my fate 
Is found. 

Hortensio : Good boy, Petrucio ! and now 

I '11 tell thee of Bianca. 

Petrucio : How ? 

Hortensio : Bianca is a younger daughter. 

Not quite so bright and somewhat shorter. 

But, none the less, I think she is disposed 

To look with favor on a scheme proposed 

To her by me some few weeks back. 

By which no more my home shall lack 

A genius of the frailer sort. 

In short, Petrucio, Bianca 's caught. 

Baptista, like a wary dad, 

Makes all Bianca 's suitors sad 

By saying that until this saucy Kate 

Is wed, the other stays within the gate. 

Petrucio : Aha ! Methinks I see your game : 

You want this Kate to change her name 



A TRAVESTY. 



19 



To mine so that Bianca can 
Become your wife. 

Yes, that 's the plan, 
But, worse confounded, Bianca's shut 
Beyond the gaze of mortal, but 
I 've found a plan by which to reach her — 
Disguise myself and go as teacher ? 
Grernio with Lucentio duguised as a 



Indeed, Hortensio, I like thy plan. 
If you need assistance I 'm your man. 

[They retire talking. 
[Aside.] Thanks to Tranio's timely aid, 
I 'm like to see this bonny maid. 
To him my name and clothes I have trans- 
ferred. 
I go to teach bad Latin to my bird. 
'T is fortunate that while at school 
I learned to parse and scan by rule. 
But we 're more like to need a preacher 
If Bianca acts on what I teach her. 
I've pulled the wool o'er Gremio's eyes. 
By writing of myself a note of lies. 
In which I called myself a scholar 
Who'd come to seek the almighty dollar ; 
The old man nibbled at the bait. 
And then he bit — we talked of Kate. 



20 KA THARINE. 

To admire her, I did pretend, 

And promised that my aid I 'd lend 

To win the other maid for him, 

And tears of joy his eyes did dim. 

So, when I teach Bianca Greek, 

Yon fool's convinced that I will speak 

Sweet words for him. He thinks he's foxy 

To do his courting thus by proxy. 

He doesn't dream that I design 

To make Bianca forever mine. 

\Enter Tranio disguised as Lucentio. Biondello, 
as his servant f follows.'] 

Tranio : Good friends, Lucentio bids you all good 
day. 
Canst kindly send him on his way 
To where there dwelleth old Baptista, 
A nobleman, though known as Mister? 
Biondello : V faith ye know him well, I guess. 

He has two daughters ; come, confess. 
Hortensio : [Anxiously.] What hast thou, sir, to do 

with these ? 
Gremio : [Jealously^ That 's so, what hast thou } 

Tell us, please? 
Petrucio : [Nonchalantly?^ Dost seek the maid with 

rubricated hair ? 
Tranio : I pray you, gentlemen, forbear. 



A TRAVESTY. 



21 



I nothing know of either charming girl, 
But I suppose they worship Duke and Earl, 
And, like all others of their sex. 
Do ever mortal man perplex. 
There 's one of them, I learn of men, 
That has a disposition like cayenne. 

Yes, kindly drop her from your list, 
I 've something of a notion that she '11 

soon be missed. 
For I this day will hasten to her side, 
To ask the maid to be my bride. 
You will ? By gad, but this is news 
To drive away the very worst of blues. 

I, too, am very glad to hear 

That Katharine's nuptials may be near, 

For I have read in Pisan papers 

Of Baptista's eccentric capers, 

And, while I 've wished no harm to any, 

To see Kate settled would have coaxed a 

penny 
From out my purse — for I 'm a suitor 
For Bianca too, and yonder tutor 

[Points to Lucenizo, 

I have brought with me to instill 
Her mind with knowledge from the classic 
rill. 



22 



KATHARINE, 



Horiensio : [Aside.] Another suitor ? Well, the morl 
The merrier for me when courting '' 



oer. 



Gremio : [AsiWe.] A third ? Indeed the youth i| 

silly, 
I '11 have the maiden, willy, nilly. 
And he will find the tutor that he 'I 

brought, 
Will bring his fairest schemes to naught 

[ Wznks at Lucentio, 

Lucentio : [As/cie.] These Paduans seem confident — 
They little think that I their plans will cir- 
cumvent. 
And yonder silly blinking swain. 
How mad he '11 be when all 's made plain. 

Hortensio : Well now as Petrucio is going to fix it, 
According to his ipse dixit, 
So that we three may have a chance, 
I move we all fall to and dance 
And for our benefactor " set 'em up." 
Hay, landlord, fill the flowing cup. 



[Enter chorus. 



A TRAVESTY. 23 

SONG. 
{Gremz'o, Hortensio and Lucentto.) 

For, he 's going to marry the shrew, 
hoo-hoo, 
For him we are weeping 
Tho' 't is n't in keeping 
When looked at from our point of view, 

you-you, 
For we 're feeling exceedingly glad, 
And we really do n't mind telling you, 
00-00. 
If he does n't marry, 
Why then we must tarry 
As bachelors all our lives through, 
00-00. 
A condition excessively sad. 

{Chorus. 
The threatened cloud has passed 

away 
For Kate the curst he '11 soon 

convey 
To other fields, where she '11 no 

more 
Engulf our souls in sorrow sore. 
So let the cup 
Be drained to him 



24 KATHARINE. 



Who 's taken up 
The shrew so grim. 
We 'II set our sails and weigh our anchor 
And then go in and win Bianca. 
So let the cup, etc. 

\Curtain. 



ACT II. 



Scene : The same. A room in Baptista's house. 



Enter Katharine, followed by Bianca, gagged and 
with her hands tied behind her. 



SONG. 

Katharine : 
I 'm a philanthropic person, be it known, 

With a temper quite sufficient for my clan ; 
In the int'rest of humanity alone, 

I fuss and fume about vvhene 'er I can. 
I do it just to please the family ; 

It helps the others always to be kind, 
For when they 're cross they 're sure to think of me. 
And instantly old Satan gets behind. 
Mild as kittens they are ever, 

Both Baptista and my sister ; 
Losing temper, never, never. 
Thro' this wicked world they roam, 



26 KATHARINE. 

Eased of many a horrid burden, 
By my wearing anger's guerdon, 
Scheme whose like was never heard on,- 
Harmony is kept at home. 

Now, you see, this maiden here beside of me 

I am putting through a Httle course of sprouts ; 
I delight to see her amiabiUty 

Give way upon occasions to the pouts. 
There is such a thing as having too much of 

The very best the market can afford, 
And by the constant cooing of the dove. 

The turkey-cock quite frequently is bored. 
Mild as kittens, etc. 

Bianca : See here, you wild, untamed hag, 
Take off this unbecoming gag, 
And quickly, too, my hands untie ! 

Katharine : Please understand, Bianca, I 

Am cast in this play for the shrew, 
And take no impudence from you. 
A hag ! Forsooth, I 'd rather be 
The veriest witch than like to thee. 
To always smile and mind my papa. 
And ne 'er do aught but what is proper. 
Thy hands I '11 not unfasten till 
Thou tell'st to me just what I will. 



A TRAVESTY, 27 

Bianca : Well, while this gag obstructs my mouth, 
Of information there 's a drouth. 

Katharine : That shows thy weakness. I would ne'er 
Of talking swift and loud despair, 
E 'en though my mouth were covered o'er 
With all the gags in Padua. 

j But since thou showest that thou 'rt weak, 

Why, off it comes. Now canst thou speak ? 

{Removes the gag. 

Bianca : Not if thy speech thou callest speaking, 
I ne 'er was given, Kate, to shrieking ; 
Your tone of voice please modulate, 
It makes me tired 'bout the pate. 

Katharine: Abusive quite. But you must say 
Which of these gentlemen to-day 
Has won your heart ? I fain would know, 
That I may save him, 

Bianca : [Angri/y.] Save him ! Oh ! ! 

Katharine : No, temper, fairy. I would save 

These pretty folk, not from the grave, 
But from a life that 's even worse 
Than that which followeth the hearse — 
A life that 's empty, sweet and vapid, 
Forever slow and never rapid — 
A life wherein ambition 's but 
To drag along in sleepy rut. 



^8 KATHARINE. 

Bianca : Thy husband ne 'er would suffer thus, 
With thee around to fume and fuss. 

Katharine : Again, I 'd say to thee, good sister, 
In the family circle of Baptista 
The copyright to temper 's mine, 
And I 'm going to keep it, I opine ; 
I 've told you this quite often now, 
Next time I say it, there '11 be a row. 

[Enter Baptista. 

Baptista : [ To Bianca?^ What, quarrelling, my pretty 
daughter ? 
Now really, dear, you had n 't oughter. 

Bianca : Oh ! father, dear, my hands she tied, 
And o 'er my mouth a gag beside. 
Because I said I thought ' twould rain. 
I think that Kate 's a female Cain. 

Katharine : Oh, pretty maid, what lovely prattle — 
Did'st ever hear such tittle-tattle } 
I may be like young Cain of old, 
But canes have all big heads, I 'm told ; 
I may be Cain of ancient fable. 
But you will find I 'm ever able 
To lord it over you and father : 
I 'm like my mother. 

Baptista : [Aside.] Well, slightly, rather. 

Come, Katharine, come, stop this tirade ; 
Thou 'It die of apoplexy, I 'm afraid. 



A TRAVESTY, 



2g 



Katharine : That 's right ; take yonder sugar plum 
Beneath thy wing — let me be dumb. 
Let her in speech forever free 
Say aggravating things to me. 
The first beginning of our fight 
She has not laid before you right. 
I 'd said I thought the day 'd be bright, 
And she must say 't would rain by night. 
I like not well the intimation 
That I indulge in aberration ! 
Well, can 't a girl say what she thinks ? 
Bah ! I could strike thee hard, thou minx. 
[C/mses Bianca from the stage, Bap- 
tz'sta stops her.l 

What ? Would 'st thou strike her with 

thy fist ? 
Yes. Of my notion that 's the gist. 
\_Angrtly.'\ To raise thy hand against thy 

sister ? 
Thou 'rt not a daughter of Baptista. 
Katharine : If that 's the case, I think to move 
From out thy home it doth behoove 
A maiden who, in spite of all 
Accomplishments doth seem to pall. 
Thou 'Idst have me sit all day and smile, 
Like a painted cat upon a tile ! 



Bianca : 
Katharine 



Baptista : 

Katharine 
Baptista : 



JO KA THARINE. 

I tell thee, if thou wantest sweets, 
Thou 'dst best look around in other streets. 
From me you '11 never get it. No, sir ! 
^ Go buy your sugar from your grocer. 

{Flounces out. 

Baptista : Didst ever hear of such a shrew ! 
To think that I have had to do 
With two like that ! Kate and her ma. 
It do n't speak well for Padua. 

SONG. 

Baptista : 
Oh, the maids, the maids of Padua, 

They are pretty, rich and bright ; 
They conquer the hearts of the young and 
old 

With natural jewels bedight — 
They 're maids of education all 

In sciences of the day. 
They 've but the single failing, that, 

They always have their way. 

They raise I he horse-car windows when 
The snow is on the street ; 

They close them tightly down, when all 
Are suffering from the heat ; 



A TRAVESTY 31 

They wear small bonnets Sunday morn, 
And high ones at the play, 

Because they 're maids of Padua, 
And always have their way. 

I married Katie's mother, for 

I wished to be the head 
Of a family here in Padua. 
But Katie's mother said 
She thought it best that I should on 

The second fiddle play. 
And since the day I married her 
I 've never had my way. 
{Enter Gremio with Lucentio dressed as a scholar ; 
Petrucio with Hortensio disguised as a musician, 
and Tranio and Biojidello bearing books and a 
banjo.'] 

Gremio : Methought I heard a cat lift up his voice. 
Petrucio : A cat, think you 1 'T would not have been 
my choice ; 
More like unto the melancholy roar 
Of blatant hucksters on the moor. 
Methinks if old Baptista warbles, 
I 'd but give o 'er sweet Hymen 's baubles. 
BaJ)tista : Good morrow, Gremio, and you the same. 

\to Petrucio, 
Mr. — um — ah — pray what 's your name ? 



S2 KATHARINE. 

Petrucio : Petrucio, sir, I was baptized, 

But ofttimes since 't has been revised. 
As Pete I 'm known unto a few, 
While others, still, call me Petru ; 
In college, I was known as Peter. 
Choose thou whatever seems the sweeter, 
And by that name forever known, 
I '11 bow, a suppliant at thy throne. 

Baptista : [Asz'de.] By Jove, but he 's a pleasant 

fellow, 
A voice he has like to the 'cello. 
Crammed to the full with speech that 's 

sweet. 
And very graceful on his feet. 
[A/o2i£^.] Well, sir, I 'm very pleased to 

meet you. 
And, as my guest, I mean to treat you. 
I 'd like to know, however, who 
Was Pa to such a youth as you ; 
You know, in these days, one must be 
Perspicuous about whom he 
Invites to grace his festal board. 
To lose my spoons I can 't afford. 

Petrucio: Spoons, did'st thou say? Well, I have 
come 
To do some spooning in your home. 



A TRA VESTY. 



33 



A daughter, hast thou, sweet and fair, 

Though slightly tinted 'bout the hair ? 

A maid that 's amiable and sedate, 

Known to her friends as beauteous Kate ? 

I have a daughter, sir, that 's red 

To some extent about the head. 

And mild, sir ? I 'm informed she is. 

Mild as a cyclone out on biz. 

Well, to the point. I 'm come to win her. 

All right, my boy, just stay to dinner ; 

If, after having sat all through 

A meal with Kate, you still would woo, 

Why, woo ahead. I '11 pay expenses. 

But I won't let her go on false pretenses. 

You need n't mind your pedigree. 

If you '11 marry Kate, you '11 do for me. 

Oh, as for that, I 'm not ashamed 

To say from whom Petrucio 's nam>ed. 

My father was Antonio. 

What, he } Your father ? I want to know. 

Why, he and I together were at school. 

We spent our time in fracturing the rule. 

A good friend he. His memory most 

sweet is. 
I 'm told he died of spinal meningitis ? 
[ Weeping. \ Alas, dear sir, my father met 

his death 



V 



34 



KATHARINE. 



Baptista 



Petrucio : 



Gremio : 

Petrucio , 
Gremio : 

Baptista 



Gremio . 



Through stoppage of the heart and want 
of breath. 

Indeed ! How sad ! I 'd no idea 
Such things were fatal. — But whom have 
we here ? 

{Points to Hortensio. 

Ah, I 'd forgot. I 've brought a friend 
Who teaches music, arithmetic and zend 
I thought it likely you would want your 
Girls to equal those of Mantua 
In all that pertains to art and science. 
— He graduated last spring at Mayence. 
{Hortensio bows and retires. 

{Aside to Petrticio.] Dost stay to dine, 

Petrucio ? 
I 've been invited and can't say no. 
What can't be cured must be endured, 
But you 'd better get your life insured. 
I thank thee, Petrucio, for this youth, 
He '11 please the girls, I think, in truth. 
And Gremio, too, a friend has brought 

{Poitits to Lucentio. 
Who seems to be of the knowing sort. 

Yes, dear Baptista, when you stated 
That you wished Bianca educated 



A TRAVESTY. 



35 



In Latin tongue and ancient Greek, 

I at once set out this youth to seek. 

He knows it all. No language dead, 

But what 's secreted in his head. 

{^Presents Lucentio, 

Ten thousand thanks, I 'm glad to know 
you. 

\To Tram'o.] And you, dear sir, I wish 
to show you 

All courtesy, but tell me first, 

Who you may be ? 

*T will be rehearst 

As quick as I can give it tongue. 

The suitors of thy child among 

I 've come to take my chances. 

Much gold, I 'd say, my suit enhances. 

Is 't Bianca, or the other — Kate, 

That spurs thee on to know thy fate ? 

\^Laughmg?[ Kindly excuse my indulg- 
ence in laughter. 

Bianca 's the daughter Lucentio 's after. 

Not but what Kate is a beautiful daughter, 

But I hardly feel able in style to support 
her. 

All things considered, she may be the finer, 

But I 'd hardly dare trust her alone with 
the china. 



36 



KATHARINE. 



Now, to help you along in making them 

pat in 
Music and Art, Dutch, Spanish and Latin, 
I Ve brought you this book and this instru- 
ment here, 
You can try yon musician. Just sample 
his ear. 
Baptista : A very good plan. I '11 ask the gossoon 
To roll up his sleeves and give us a tune, 
And then with the book I '11 indulge in a 

test 
Of Gremio's boy in the fanciful vest. 

[ To Hortenst'o. 
Good sir, I prithee take this thing. 
And give us a hymn or a highland fling. 
Hortenst'o : Well, really, sir, I 'm out of practice. I — 
Baptista : It makes no difference, take off your hat 
and try. {^Hortensio plays. 

Bravo, my boy. The tune 's antique, 
But you have a touch that 's quite unique. 
To-night the Marseillaise I '11 have you 

play. 
In a grand combine with the Boulanger. 
And now, young pedant that knows it all, 
I 'd have you answer to my call. 
Take you this book and from its pages 
Give us some gossip of the ancient sages. 



A TRA VESTY. j; 

[Asi'de.] Ye gods ! I 'd feared 't would 
come to this. 

I '11 have to do it, hit or miss. 

'T is well I curbed my lover-like impatience, 

And learned by heart some pat quotations. 

[A/oud.] Just as you wish. I '11 not de- 
tain you long, 

But I '11 sing to you a touching Latin song. 

SONG. 

Lucentio. 
Arma virumque cano. 

Hie haec hoc in veritate, 
Trojae qui primus ab O — 

Ris in toto et ex parte, 
Sic semper tyrannis, amo 

Integer vitae, Great Caesar. 
Impune lacessit nemo, 

Said the Latin Professor from Pisa. 

E pluribus unum, pro tanto 

Vade mecum, senectute, 
Habeas corpus et canto 

Allez-vous en, et tu. Brute, 
Argumentum ad hominum, quorum 

Gallia omnis divisa. 
Mandamus, custos rotulorum. 

Quoth the Latin Professor from Pisa. 



3S 



KATHARINE. 



Baptista : Well, such familiarity with a tongue 
forsaken, 
I 've ne'er before seen undertaken. 
You gentlemen both satisfy me, 
I 'm glad to have such fellows by me. 
Go to the school-room ; there you '11 find 

the ladies, 
And don't get mad if Katharine raises 

Hades ; 
She 's apt t' indulge in airy persiflage at 

first. 
And you must bear in mind the maid is 
curst. 
\Exeunt Hortensw, Liicentio andBiondello, 
Baptista : Let 's take a turn in the yard a-back, 
Or, if you 'd rather, I '11 call a hack. 
And show you fellows the city hall, 
And while we 're out we '11 " ketch a ball." 
Petnicw : Ah, much obliged — but I do n 't indulge 
At this time of day — and I 'd divulge 
The plan I have, dear sir, in full : 
I find my life is rather dull 
Without a wife to make it gay — 
I want your daughter ; come, what do you 
say? 
Baptista : To tell the truth, I 'm very glad. 

But Katharine's temper is pretty bad. 



A TRA VESTY. jg 

Well, I tell you, Baptista, I 'm quite a daisy, 

When I get mad I 'm fairly crazy. 

I 'm mild and sweet and good to look at, 

But I '11 lay an Argosy gainst a ducat 

That when it comes to temper, I 

Can give Kate points and not half try. 

SONG. 
Petrucio. 
I am the very embodiment 
Of a most outrageous temperament, 
I've every vice that is known to man. 
Who dwells twixt Beersheba and Dan. 
And a few besides peculiar to me. 
Would make you very unwell to see, 
Indeed, dear sir, I grieve to state, y 

I 'm a most reprehensible reprobate. 

To give you a sample of what I be, 
I '11 tell a few of my crimes to thee. 
They're crimes that arise from temper 

alone. 
And all of a kind I can never atone. 
I 've committed 'em all since coming of age. 
And attribute each one to my terrible rage. 
Indeed, dear sir, I grieve to state, 
I 'm a most reprehensible reprobate. 



40 



KATHARINE. 



Baptist a : 



Petrucio 



I murdered my cook, the coffee was cold, 
I scalped the scullion who went and told, 
I stabbed my coachman for daring to jest, 
I lynched a valet for wearing my vest. 
I struck my mother, and thrashed my dad, 
For daring to say that they thought me bad. 
Indeed, dear sir, I grieve to state, 
I 'm a most reprehensible reprobate. 

Now, in confidence, your daughter will 

find. 
When she quarrels with me, we 're two of 

a kind, 
And if she dares disobey, she '11 see 
She 's met her master in M — E, me. 
Wife-beating 's a crime I 've never yet 

tried. 
But we '11 see how it works on my tern- _ 

persome bride. 9 

I 'm longing, dear sir, I grieve to state. 
To be that kind of a reprobate. 

Well, perhaps you 'd make a happy pair. 

And you may have her, but I say beware. 

{Crash outside. 

What is that noise? Dost think the 

floor 
Has given way ? Come, let 's explore. 



A TRAVESTY. 



Baptist a : 'Tis nothing but yonr fiancee. 
Petrucio : [AsiWe.] I wonder if I'd better stay. 

[Enter Hortensio with broken banjo about his neck. 
His forehead is bleeding, and he is in a generally 
disordered state.'] 
Baptista : What 's happened thee, thou look'st so 

white ? 
Hortensio: I assure you, sir, it's due to fright. 
I 've suffered such a horrid shock 
That I remind myself of a blasted rock. 
Your daughter on_my neck did place this 
collar. 

Baptista : Indeed ! Dost think she '11 prove a 

scholar ? 
Hortensio : Well, yes. I think she shows a trace 
Of talent for the drum that 's base. 
For music light she 's just a bit too rough, 
But for German opera she has the proper 

stuff. 
For music full of noise and bustle, 
Requiring much less ear than muscle. 
The girl 's unusually endowed ; 
And I 've little doubt she '11 please the 

crowd. 
But until I 've consulted my physician. 
You 'd best employ a new musician. 



42 KATHARINE. 

Baptista : Do n \ be discouraged. What did Kate 

do? 
Hortensio : Not very much. She began Hke you, 
She asked a tune, whereon I played 
" Where are you going, my pretty maid ? " 
"Chestnuts," she cried, and seized the 

handle. 
And then the wild, red-headed vandal 
Tore off the bridge, smashed every key, 
Then turned her batteries straight upon 

me; 
Then, as in terror I started to fly. 
She bade me to wait till the clouds rolled 

by. 
To this I retorted with anger and scorn, 
" The school-room^is empty, thy teacher is 

gone," 
When the maid with a laugh to frighten 

the dead. 
Brought the instrument down on the top 

of my head. 
As one of my pupils no longer I '11 rank 

her, 
But I '11 finish the quarter with lovely 

Bianca. 
Petrucio : My ! what a shrew the maid must be, 
She '11 not behave this way with me, 



A TRAVESTY, 



43 



; I 'II break her proud spirit — Petrucio 's 

prophetic — 
And exhibit the girl as the " Maid Mag- 
netic." 

Hortensio : 'T is well to speak thus before you 've met 
her; 
I 'd like your opinion after you get her. 

\^Extt Hortensio. 

Baptista : Well, Peter, my boy, what will you do. 
Go out with us, or tackle the shrew } 

Petrucio : I think 1 11 stay here and rankle the child, 
I'm thoroughly armed in case she gets 

riled, 
I have a rattan concealed 'neath my cape, 
And I notice outside there 's a fire-escape. 
If I find her too much, I 'd like to know 

where 
I can call out the forces and summon the 

Mayor. 

Baptista : All 's fixed for you, sonny ; you '11 find a 
six-shooter. 

That was left here last week by an ambi- 
tious suitor. 

On the mantelpiece there, but I hope you 
won 't need 



44 KA THARINE. 

To fire it off. I wish you good speed. 

{Starts to go but returns. 
By the way, if you come to the shedding of 

gore, 
Be careful you do n 't let it drop on the 

floor. 
I've just bought this Brussels. 'Twas 

very expensive. 
And spots on the carpet are very offensive. 
Petrucio : No, no ! Fear not. If Kate my plan 

doth hinder 
I '11 simply drop her — \aside\ out the 

" winder." 
[Examt Baptista, Gremio and Tranio. 
And now to gird me for the fray. 
So that I m' sure to win the day. 
{Opens the valise and takes out various 

articles. 
First, here 's my cannon and my shot, 
A mitrailleuse, a coal that 's hot ; 
A Colt's revolver and a club '11 
Do quite a deal to suppress the trouble. 
Then, if she tries to use her fists, 
I '11 clap these bangles on her wrists, 
And Grumio stands out on the green 
With a can of nitro-glycerine, 
Prepared, the minute he hears me cry, 



A TRAVESTY. 45 

To blow the whole business into the sky. 
Step up, curst Kate, and toe the mark. 
Let s have it out before 't is dark. 
[Enter Katharine. As she walks across the stage 
Petrucio whistles a march, Katharine stops. 
Katharine : Blow, gentle creature, and once again do 
blow. 
It 's what we all expect from a bag of wind, 
you know. 
Petrucio : Ah, Katie, bright at repartee, 

Come, sweet, sit down, I 'd speak with thee, 
\_Seizes her arm, she draws away. 
Katharine : To sit by thee? The idea makes me 
tired. 
Keep your hands to yourself, or I '11 have 
you fired. 
Petrucio : Fired, did 'st say ? My heart is already fired 
With love for thee — so much admired. 

Kate, I 

Katharine : Miss Baptista is my name. 

Petrucio : But I '11 call you Katie just the same. 

Names are made to call their owners by, 
I '11 call you Kate, or know the reason why. 
Kate, from Kateville, I '11 indicate you, 
And Kate, I 've come to-day to mate you. 
Your father 's agreed that I 'm your fate, 
So Katharine join the Syndicate. 



46 KATHARINE. 

Katharine : 'T is well thou likenest thyself to such, 

With souls such things aren't troubled 
. much. 

/ Syndicates, indeed, I 've somewhere read. 

Are formed by men with more of gold 

than head. 
Then in the hands of one with brains 
The whole is put — and hence the gains, 
A soulless thing like this thou art 
Ingredients : brass the larger part, 
y Sadly deficient about the heart. 

And with bravado taking pains 
To cover up thy lack of brains. 
Petrucio : Spoke like an angel ! yet a soul have I — 
Katharine : Then use it ! Walk ! Vamoose ! Good- 
bye. 
Petrucio : I cannot go, sweet Kate, away 

Till you have set our wedding day. 
Katharine: Our wedding day? Hee-hee ! I smile, 
You do n 't get Katharine yet awhile. 

DUET. 

Katharine : 
My friend, I tell thee thou must get thee 
hence, 

Petrucio : 

Oh, pretty dove. 



A TRAVESTY. 41 

Katharine : 
'T were well to go before thou givest 
offence. 

Petructo : 

Most lovely love. 

Katharine : 
I do not care for such a boorish lover, 
And why you ever came I can 't discover, 
About my presence you need not hover. 

Petructo : 

I think I '11 hove. 

Katharine : 
Come sir, begin ! Retreat ! I tell you go ! 

Petrucio : 
Fair Kate I sha n't retreat. I tell you so* 
Till I 've thine answer, sweet, 
I cannot go. 

Katharine : 
Seek thou yon bustling street ! 
I tell you no ! 

Petrucio, 
Now, dearest, I will never hear a nay — 

Katharine : 

Oh, yes you will. 



48 



KA THARINE, 



Petrucio : 
Unto the question that I 've put to-day. 
Katharine : 

Just hear him trill. 
Petrucio : 
So look with favor on Petrucio's wooing, 
And let 's begin our billing and our cooing. 
At once refrain from at my words pooh- 
poohing. 

Katharine : 

Be still, be still. 
Come, sir, begin, etc., etc. 

Petrucio : And now one kiss, beloved, ere — 
Katharine : I '11 strike thee down, sir, if you dare. 
Petrucio : All right, Sullivan. I '11 take care. 
Katharine : Sullivan, say 'st thou ? Best beware my 

fist! 
Petrucio : [ To audience?^ The great and only girl 
pugilist. 
Step up, ye crowd. Present your dime. 
For the exhibition you 're just in time. 
Katharine : {^Pacing stage ^ Was ever maid insulted 

so before ? 
Petrucio : [Looking at his watch.] She '11 make 
the mile in 6.44, 
Brace up, Katie, or you '11 lose the prize. 



A TRAVESTY. 4g 

Katharine : {Shouting.'] I tell thee, sir, that if thou 'rt 

wise — 
Petrucio : Sweet Kate, to whisper 's not polite, 
Don 't be afraid to speak outright. 
{Katharine, overcome with rage, throws herself on 
divan. Petrucio seats himself beside her and Baptista 
enters with Tranio, Greinio and Grujnio.l 

Baptista : Well, Petrucio, was thy courting sweet ? 

Petrucio : Sweet is no name for it. I repeat, 
A lovelier maid I never met. 
Next Sunday is the day she set. 
Then shall we pace the middle aisle 
And wed in the most approved style. 

Katharine : {Starting up.] I never in my life have 
said 
I loved a man, much less I 'd wed. 
Petrucio : Nay, but thine eyes for thee have spoken. 
In their " I will " I read the token 
That ere another Sabbath day has 

passed 
With the chaperones thou wilt be classed. 

Katharine : {Aside.] He has such cheek ! 'T would 
take a year to slap it. 
We 've reached the climax, I guess I '11 
cap it. 



so KATHARINE. 

I '11 marry him, and make him rue the date 

On which he dared be impudent to Kate. 

His hats of silk I '11 ever ruffle up, 

And vitriol I '11 put within his shaving cup. 

To sharpen pencils I '11 use his razors new ; 

I '11 fill with tacks his patent-leather shoe ; 

His after-dinner coffee I '11 serve it barely- 
warm, 

And sit serenely by and laugh if he should .^ 
storm. IJ 

And dinner, too, I '11 always have some 
sixty minutes late, 

Except when he 's detained down-town, 
and then I '11 never wait. 

If he shall smile, I '11 ask him why 

He 's always mad and grumpy. My ! 

But my revenge will be so sweet, 

'T will sicken yonder lordly Pete. 

[Ahud.] Yes, father, I have thought it 
wise 

To do as you and he advise. 

I 've always felt I 'd like to own 

A kangaroo, like him — full grown. 

So all the gentleman's addresses 

I 've met with most persistent yesses. 

I'll be his bride on Sunday next. 

But I 'd have him ponder well this text — 



A TRAVESTY, 



5^ 



Best hang it o'er his parlor door : 

" When Greek meets Greek, then comes 

the tug of war." 
So, then, Petrucio, I bid you au revoir 
Till Sunday next. Good-bye, Papa. 

\^Exit Kate, 

[Aside.] Whence cometh, I wonder, this 

sudden change ? 
Ah, lovely woman, thou art ever strange ! 
[Alot^d.] Now, father-in-law, with your 

permission to do so, 
I '11 take a run home and brush off my 

trousseau. 
I '11 return for the wedding, sir, prompt on 

the hour, 
And while I 'm away you can fix up the 

dower. 
Come, Grumio, mount ; to Verona we '11 

fly 
To get things in shape for the sweet by 

and by. 

[Exeunt Petrucio arid Grumio. 

And now, Baptista, that your eldest 's 

gone, 
What hast thou to say about the youngest 

born? 



s^ 



KATHARINE. 



Gremio: You said, you know, when Kate was off 

your hands 
You would accede to our demands. 
Now, of course, you see it's absurd to 

hesitate 
Between a man Hke me, so solid and 

sedate, 
And youths like yonder stripling there. 
Tranio : Come off, old man, with me you can 't 

compare. 
Gremio : Old man, say you ? Well, baby I am not, 
But young in spirits am I. And what 
Is more unto the point, I 'm crammed 

from top to toe 

With experiences and riches and 

Tranio : Go slow, old man, go slow. 

You may be young in spirit. Let *s admit 
You 've reached your second childhood. 

What of it ? 
Dost think Bianca in a moment sane 
To wed a gray-beard loon would deign ? 

Baptista : Come, come, my friends, let 's have no 
quarrel. 
It adorns no tale, and points no moral. 
I '11 give Bianca to him who bids the most 
Not that I 'm a mercenary host, 



A TRAVESTY. 



53 



But that this method 's all the fashion, 
And love's no more a sentimental passion, 
Ducats and jewels and lands must be 
Put up for Bianca. C. O. D. 
She 's mine, then, for I have ten millions 

in stocks. 
And half that amount in my little tin box. 
A Telegraph Co. and a coal mine I own, 
All of which goes to the bone of my bone. 
You pauper ! I thought, when you bragged 

of your stores. 
You had nothing less than government 

fours. 
Your Telegraph Co. is all water — unsound. 
While your mine is no more than a hole 

in the ground. 
Your stocks ! What are they } You 

know to your sorrow, 
Ten millions to-day, and worthless to- 
morrow. 
But I, I 'm a holder of half of the trust 
That's worked up a scheme to make 

nutmegs of dust, 
I 've a third of the stock in a base-ball 

concern. 
And ten dollars a week, besides what I 

earn. 



54 
Gremio 



KATHARINE. 



Tranio : 



Gremio 



Baptista 



I 



Well, I own a franchise for a line of tram 

cars 
To run all the way from Saturn to Mars, 
I 'm selling the stock at lo below par, 
And I have n't yet bought a rail or a car. 

My Governor 's richer than that aged 

swaggerer, 
He owns a hack route at the Falls of 

Niagara. 
And hell give it to her who marries his 

son. 
Beat that if you can. 

I can't. I 'm undone. 
But I do not believe your daddy could 

part 
With such a soft snap without breaking 

his heart. 
And before Mr. B. hands Bianca to you 
Your father should give him his Ego O. U. 

Lucentio 's beaten you. That I declare ; 
The hack route means riches beyond all 

compare. 
But you 're right in believing his father 

ought to 
Secure me by giving his Ego O. U. 



A TRAVESTY. SS 

So, Lucentio, go you, and cable your dad, 
And tell him about this talk that we 've 

had. 
And if by mail returning he send back 
An undivided interest in the hack, 
To you Bianca straightway goes. 
But otherwise she 's Gremio's. 

\E71ter male choriis.'] 
But say, good friends, I think the youth 
Who 's taken Kate will find forsooth, 
His hands are full as full can be — 
But I warned him off. He can 't blame me. 
I like Petrucio, and the chances of the 

morrow. 
For him have filled my soul with sorrow. 

SONG AND CHORUS. 
When he 's married to the shrew, 

Tarantara, tarantara, 
He '11 be feeling pretty blue, 

Tarantara. 
And beneath the maiden's thumb, 

Tarantara, tarantara, 
He 'II eventually come, 

Tarantara. 
He will find the wisest plan, 

Tarantara, tarantara, 



S6 KATHARINE. 

Is to be a meek young man, 

Tarantara, 
And regret that he has wed 
One who 's been so badly bred, 
One who 's been so badly bred. 

Yes, indeed, we all agree, 

Tarantara, tarantara, 
That he speedily will see, 

Tarantara, 
That his s\\vt\\\s\\Jiance'e, 

Tarantara, tarantara, 
Has a temper classed as A, 

Tarantara. 
In hot water all the time, 

Tarantara, tarantara. 
He '11 be driven straight to crime, 

Tarantara, 
By the damsel he has wed. 
Who has been so badly bred. 
Who has been so badly bred. 

\Curtai7i. 



ACT III. 



SCENE: The same. Salon in Baptista's house. The curtain rising discloses 

the maids of the household dusting furniture. They 

come forward and sing. 



OPENING CHORUS. 

Bianca 's as fair as the month of May, 

Bianca 's as sweet as the sugar plum, 
But Katharine 's Hke to the bleak March day, 
When the roaring winds begin to hum. 
Bianca, the sweet, 

Is the pet of us all ; 
But Kate, we repeat. 
On our feelings doth pall. 

First Maid: 
Every day Bianca asks 
That we set about our tasks 
With her pretty lips a-smiling 
In a manner most beguiling. 



S8 KATHARINE. 

Second Maid : 
But that other girl 's a shrew, 
And I '11 whisper it to you, 
That we all bewail the fate 
Of the youth that marries Kate. 

All: ; 

For Katharine 's like to the bleak March day. 

When the roaring winds begin to hum, 
But Bianca is like to the brightness of May, 
And sweet is the maid as the sugar plum. 
Bianca, the sweet. 

Is the pet of us all, 
And Kate, we repeat. 
On our feelings doth pall. 

\Enter Bianca, followed by Hortensio and 
Luccntio. 

Bianca • Good morrow, maidens. Up with the 
lark? 
You 'd best withdraw into the Park ; 
Nor need'st thou feel the slightest pique 
Because I ask thee thus to leave me. 
You see, I 'm going to study Greek 
Unless these gentlemen deceive me. 
'T would be unpleasant if a dunce 
I should appear, so go at once. 



A TRAVESTY. 



59 



{Smiles y the Chorus dance out, singing- : 

Bianca 's as fair as the month of May, 
Bianca 's as sweet as a sugar plum, 

etc., etc. 

Bianca : Now, let me see, where do we begin, 
I think 't was Caesar we were in. 

Lucentio : 'T was Virgil that we got as far as ; 

I think, to-day we '11 grapple Horace. 

[Hortensio tunes up. 
See here, old twanger, suppose you cut 

that short ; 
This hour by me Bianca 's to be taught. 

Hortensio: Taught, did'st thou say.? Thy Latin is 
absurd ; 
Indeed, its like I ne'er before have heard. 
Thou told'st her Gravis ira regnum semper 
Meant, the Regent has a frightful temper. 
While Arma virumque cano, said you. 
Meant freely, to paddle one's own canoe. 
Methinks that, should I tell her dad 
Just how thou teachest yonder maid. 
Enough of thee he 'd say he 'd had. 
And bounce thee o'er the balustrade. 

Bianca : Oh, Licio, hush ! This wordy war 
I beg thee to at once give o'er. 



do 



KA THARINE. 



Once father bought a bird to sing, 

A parroquet, 

He called his pet. 

But, when it talked, he took the thing 

And wrung its neck. From this, 't were 

w^ll to learn, 
That you for music and not for speech 

should yearn. 
Thou cam'st to teach me harmony, its art, 
But naught but discord hast thou at thy 

heart. 
Lucetitio : I tell thee, minstrel, were there not ladies 

here 
I 'd box thee soundly on thine ear — 
An ear that for a donkey would pass 

muster ; 
But for the Muse, it must disgust her. 
Thy hands spread o'er the banjo in a way 
Suggestive of the vile octopus. 
And violets sweet, I heard thee say, 
Of Mozart was the magnum opus. 
Bianca : I prithee, gentlemen, if you wish to fight, 
'T were best that you should do it right. 
I '11 sound the gong and all my servants call 
To form a ring out in the hall. 
You neither of you, I am sure. 
Would spoil Papa's new furniture. 



A TRAVESTY. 



6i 



Sweet maid, with one as low as that 

I ne'er would fight. 

{Aside to Lucentio.} You villain ! Scat ! ! 

Mademoiselle, a man of high degree, 
Howe'er reduced, would ne'er agree 
To war with yonder vain upstart. 
{Aside to Hortensio.'] Next time we meet 

I '11 break thy heart. 
I 'm glad you both disclaim a row. 
I think 1 11 take my Latin now. 
[ To Hortensio.'] Please to retire to yon- 
der gilded chair. 
When I 'm through with Latin I '11 meet 

you there. 
Now, professor dear, trot out your ode, 
For love of poetry I could just explode. 
Fain would I the contract undertake, 
In Latin songs of love to teach thee ; 
At home I 've left my Horace, by mistake, 
For v^hxch faux pas forgive me, I beseech 

thee. 
From memory I will at once recite 
An ode of Caesar, if I remember right. 
'T will do as well, and so begin, professor. 
[Reciting.'] Ad libitum, ave imperatrix, 
intercessa, 



62 KATHARINE. 

Inter hoc, praeterea nihil misa, 
Which means that I 'm direct from Pisa, 
Pons asinorum, ipse dixit, Brutus, 
Rara avis mihi Gyascutus. 
In other words, Bianca, he who now doth 
hover 
\ About thy presence is no tutor, 

But one who is thine ardent lover, 
With heart and soul most fervent suitor. 

\Horte?isio creeps up froui the rear, Lucentio notes 
his approach and resumes : 

Ahem, Lucus-er-a non lucendo, 

Malus pudor, Gallici loquendo, 

Nom de plume fideleter decrevi. 

Ante-bellum, saevi, pavi, navi. 

[As/de.] I 'm blest if I can think of any 

other rhyme. 
But what 's the odds, the maid must know 

that I 'm 
Here not to teach her aught but love for me. 



Bianca : Just what thou drivest at, I cannot see. 

Lucentio : [Aside.] She cannot see ! Oh, shall I 
dare? 
Is 't well to speak, or had I best beware ? 



A TRAVESTY. 63 

DUET: 

BIANCA AND LUCENTIO. 

Lucetttio : 

Shall I dare to tell this maiden 
Who and what, from whence I am ? 

Is it prudent to acknowledge 
That in me she sees a sham ? 

Bianca : 

Why this murmuring, do tell. 
Tell me what you would conceal. 

Liice7iiio .' 
Ah, she notes my agitation, 

Shall I tell her what I feel? 
Shall I dare to tell this maiden 

Who and what, from whence I am ? 
Is it prudent to acknowledge 

That I am an arrant sham ? 

Bianca : 
He 's concealing something dreadful, 

Something horrible, from me, 
Tho' I 'm dying most to hear it, 

I will never let him see. 



64 KATHARINE. 

Luce7itio : 
Some information, love, I seek. 

BiaJica : 
I '11 gladly give it you, so speak. 

Luceniio : 
Let us suppose I were no Latin tutor, 
Let us suppose I were a lordly suitor, 
Let us suppose I were no mean civilian, 
Let us suppose I were a Ducal villian, 
Let us suppose my poverty a lie. 
Let us suppose my being all awry, 

Could you, my own. 

This fault condone ? 

Bianca : 
What an idea ! 
Altho' I knew you to be rich. 
Regard would soon my heart bewitch ; 
It is not want doth love inspire, 
'T is after riches I aspire. 

Luce7itio : 
And yet, I 've often heard it stated 
Those who feel thus are badly mated. 

Bianca : 
Oh, never fear. 



A TRAVESTY. 



65 



Luceftiw : 
With hallowed joy 
My heart doth cloy. 
Her heart 't would bewitch 
To know me rich ; 
For 't is not want that love inspires, 
And after riches the maid aspires. 

Bianca, candidly, I 'm but a youth 
From Pisa's walls, to speak the truth, 
Who 'd fain instruct thee in the arts of 
Cupid. 

Oh, now I see. How could I be so stupid } 

The man who 's called Lucentio 

Is but my valet, Tranio. 

'T is love for thee alone has brought me 

here. 
Be kind to me and bid me call thee " Dear." 
Hush, gentle sir, for Licio may catch on. 
He sniffs a rodent. We 'II talk of this anon. 
l^Aloud.'] I fear I do not like thy Latin 

vile. 
[ To Lucentzo.'] I '11 meet thee at two 

down by the stile. 
Where we our lesson will resume, 
[Aloud.] For Licio now you must make 

room. 



66 KATHARINE. 

Lucentto : Thou hast done well, fair pupil mine ; 
School will begin again at nine. 
[ To Biaftca.'] And at the stile we *11 talk 

of love, 
You '11 find me there at quarter of. 

{Exit. Hortenszo tunes up and begins to sing 
" A Wandering Minstrel I " 

Bianca : {Interrupting ?[ Kindly musician, give us : 

a rest ; 
That tune 's more or less of a nut from i 

the chest ; 
I 'd prefer to begin with a polka or waltz, 
Just as a flyer, likewise to see. 
Whether mine auricle 's true or is false ; 
Tune up the banjo and strike the key. 

Hortensio : Fairest Bianca, does not your heart betray 
That I 'm no professor of this art ? 
Hast thou no notion of what I 'd say ? 
If thou hastest not, thou hast no heart. 

Bianca : Strange words are these — a heart I hast, 
And one that beateth exceeding fast ; 
But, to speak the truth, I greatly fear 
It 's more my pearly pinky ear 
That proclaims thee deficient in that art 
Which Pa has hired thee to impart. 



A TRAVESTY. 



67 



But, lovely maid, look in these eyes 

And tell me whom you recognize. 

I know you not — I never saw before 

One like to thee, nor would I deign, 

Had I the luck to see thee first, 

To look upon thy like again. 

Bianca ! Thy words cut to the quick. 

You 'd best go home, if you 're feeling sick, 

I '11 take my music lesson later. 

You go. I '11 make it right with Pater. 

I cannot leave thee, dear, till I 

Have taught to thee some dainty tune ; 

What shall it be, " Sweet Bye and Bye," 

Or we 're " Wide Awake, Me and the 

Moon " ? 
No, thanks. I care for neither now. 
Thy music, Licio, makes me think 
Of a song on which once died the cow 
It really makes my spirits sink. 

{^She turns away 

Bianca, hear me ere I go, 

Let me whisper to you who I am. 

Bianca, dearest, I 'm Hortensio, 

I 'm here to woo you 

Do n't be a clam. 
You 're not Hortensio. Hortensio 's cheek 



6S 



KATHARINE. 



Of whiskers 's as innocent as mine own, 
Whilst thou resemblest that female freak 
Who as the bearded lady 's known. 
Come, come ; in Padua we never foster 
A patent, self-confessed impostor. 

Hortensio : [ Tearing beard from /iz'sface.'] It needs 

but this to prove the truth. 
Perhaps you '11 not believe me now ? 
Biaiica Forsooth, 

I knew you were Hortensio from the first. 
And from mirth suppressed I thought I 'd 

burst. 
Thou looked'st so funny with thy tawney 

beard, 
Indeed, Hortensio, you were positively 

weird. 
And now I 'II skip the song and ballad, 
Thy music fails t' impress me ; 
I must prepare the chicken salad. 
And for the wedding dress me. 

Hortensio : But wo n't you hear me ? Wo n't you, 

sweet, consider ? 
If you do n't accept me now, I know a 

" widder " 
With seven children, who 'd like to marry. 

Bianca : Go seek her out ; with me no longer tarry. 



A TRAVESTY. 69 

I really do not like your style, 

And you always scare me when you smile. 

Once for all, Hortensio, I give you your 

conge, 
Farewell, the right-hand door. Good-day. 
\Exit Bia7ica, 

Hortensio : That Latin prig I Ve got to thank for this ; 
I '11 look about and try to mar his bliss. 
Meanwhile I '11 call upon the widow Laura, 
Play Petrarch to her, and tell her I adore 

her. 
She 's as homely as the ace of spades, 
Has a temper, seven girls. 
Four husbands flitting in the shades, 
And a barrel full of pearls. 
I do not mind the children seven, 
I do n't care for their sires ; 
These latter folk are safe in heaven. 
To wealth my soul aspires ; 
I '11 call at once upon Dame Laura, 
And tell her that my heart yearns for her, 
I '11 fervently tell the story old, 
And matrimony's bonds she 'II fund with 

gold. 
For thee, Bianca, upon reflection, 
I 've naught but thanks for thy rejection. 
l^Exit. Enter Baptista and Katharine. 



70 KATHARINE, 

Katharine : So, now you see, you 've made a pretty 
mess, 

The wedding day has come, I 've made 
my dress ; 

The Roman Catering Co. has sent ice- 
cream for twenty, 

Of jellies, pat6s, cakes and wines there 's 
plenty. 

All, all is ready to consummate your plan 

Save one essential thing — and that 's the 
man. 

Baptista : Come now, my daughter, just suppose you 
wait. 
He is n't due till nine, and it 's only half- 
past eight. 

Katharine : Well, what 's half an hour for a man to 
prink. 
When of taking such a step he 's on the 

brink ? 
I 've heard of brides with traveling 

dresses. 
But men ne'er wear 'em. 
Baptista : I must confess, his 

Absence worries me a bit ; but I 'm 
Convinced that he '11 be here in time. 

\Enter servant. 



A TRAVESTY. 



71 



And if he does n't come, why, you may run 
Straight to a convent, and become a nun. 
Katharine : Thanks, good papa. There 's none of 

that for me. 
My ambition points to life that 's free. 
If Petrucio do n't come, I '11 go and find 

him, 
By his promises to me I mean to bind him. 
With maids like me he '11 find he cannot 

trifle, 
I '11 get him into church if it takes a rifle. 
Similia similibus curantur. 
Is a proverb that he '11 hear instanter. 
And with a gun beside the altar, 
We '11 find this smooth bore will not falter. 
[ To servant?^ Well, sirrah, what 's wanted 

with thy betters ? 
Servant : Please, mum, I 've brought your father's 

letters. 
For me.? Ah, thanks. H'm, this one's 

a bill. 
What 's this } Petrucio doth write ? I 

fear he 's ill. 
It reads : " Dear sir : I 've been detained 
Two hours upon the road. It rained. 
The roads are heavy and I 'm late, 
But please inform my darling Kate 



72 



KATHARINE. 



I '11 meet her at the church at ten. 
Petrucio. P. S. — Excuse my pen." 

Katharine : I will not go, so there ! But stay. 
If I should decide to remain away, 
I 'd never get the chance again 
To turn upside down that lion's den. 
I think, upon the whole, I '11 go, 
And make him wish I 'd answered No. 
Come, father, harness up the shay, 
I '11 go prepare me for the fray. 

[Exit 

Baptista : There 's that within that maiden's eye 
To make me heave a gentle sigh 
Of sorrow for Petrucio ; 
But he would do it, so let it go. 

[Enter Tranio as Lucentio. 

Tranio : Ah, sir Baptista, I find thee here ; 

I 've just seen Petrucio on the square, 
He 's slightly out of mind, I fear. 
Ill-dressed, dishevelled as to the hair. 
His wedding garments of composite sort, 
A long-tailed coat, his trousers short, 
An old silk hat with battered crown, 
Surtout, a Dolly Varden gown 
That once his mother wore, I wis. 
'T is most disgraceful to dress like this ! 



A TRA VESTY. 



73 



Baptista : Clothes, Lucentio, the man do n't make, 
And I beg of you for Heaven 's sake, 
Do n't speak a word of this to Kate, 
Let her find it out at the altar 's gate. 
Tranio : A father's wishes I must e'er respect. 
Baptista : Also thine own. You should reflect. 

If aught should hinder Katharine 's wed- 
ding, 
Some bitter tears you 'd soon be shedding. 
For vows must be kept, and I have said 
Till Kate 's off my hands, Bianca sha n't 
wed. 
Tranio : Then shall a silence o'er Lucentio come, 
Beside which th' asylum of the deaf and 

the dumb 
Shall seem like a Bedlam. But hist ! 

here 's the bride, 
She comes like the lightning, by Ajax 
defied. 

[Enter Katharine with hat on. 

Katharine : Now, am I ready. Come, let 's to the 

church. 
Would 'st have me leave my lord in the 

lurch ? 
With thee to the chapel, dear pa, I '11 ride, 
Ne'er to return save as a bride. 



74 



KATHARINE. 



My pretty groom, you 'II soon regret this 

deal, 
From this day forth thy home is Sheol. 

\Exeunt Katharine and Baptista. 
Tranio : Well, as I said before, I 'm sorry for the 
groom, 
In my opinion humble, he 's met his 
doom. 

\_Enter Biondello, 
Ah, I 'm glad to see thee, Biondello, 
For a bit of work I have, you are just the 

fellow, 
'T is quite important for our plan 
That you should get some aged man 
To act as daddy for me to-day, 
A daddy must be had without delay. 
Our master 's doing well, but Bianca's 

bent 
On getting first her pa's consent, 
Which he withholds from me until 
He 's had a glance at father's will ; 
The will itself would do, but I had rather 
You looked about and secured a father. 
Biondello : I greatly fear we have n't time 

To work that festive sham ; 
1 How would it do to stoop to crime, 

J And forge a telegram ? 



A TRAVESTY. 



75 



Tranio : First rate, my boy. Take the first train, 
Rush up to Pisa and send the message, 
Then come quickly back again ; 
Here 's the money to pay expressage. 
I '11 write the telegram. 
[ Writes?[ 

" Lucentio : Padua, 
Take the hack route. I 'm very glad you 

are 
Likely to win the lovely Bianca ; 
Her father, I hear, is a prosperous banker. 
If there 's anything else you want very bad 
Don't fail to write to your loving Dad." 
There, Biondello. Do n't delay a second 

Biondello : This is a business on which I never reck- 
oned, 
But, gracious Scott, I 'd do most anything 
for master. 

lExit, 
Tranio : And now I 'd best go find the Pastor. 

We '11 have a wedding ere Sol doth down- 
ward sally. 

\Noise without. 

But what *s this ? Grumio ? Petrucio's 
valet ! 

[Enter Grumio, followed by Chorus. 



76 



KATHARINE. 



Well, sirrah, what news is *t thou hast 

brought ? 
Is the wedding finished ? Are the cuckoos 

caught ? 

Grumio : Well, I should smile ! That wedding was 
unique. 
I 've travelled o'er the world, seen many a 

freak, 
But I '11 be bound there never yet has been 
A marriage which for this would be the 
twin. 

Tranio. Indeed! What happened .> Did the couple 
fight? 

Grumio : They did, my Lord. It was a sight. 

When Katharine saw Petrucio dressed 

like a tramp, 
She vowed she would n't wed, and started 

to decamp ; 
But he, the meanwhile, had locked the 

swinging doors ; 
The lioness was caught : the church rang 

with her roars. 
Then master started to lead her to the 

altar, 
While the organ played a few selections 

from the psalter ; 



A TRAVESTY. 77 

The lady roundly swore the engagement 
she would cancel, 

While Petrucio gave orders to have her 
carried to the chancel ; 

And when the Bishop asked her if she 'd 
have Petrucio, 

The maiden bellowed forth a most deci- 
sive No, 

Whereat the groom waxed angry and 
ventured on the guess 

That Katharine was confused and meant 
to tell the Bishop yes ; 

He added, too, that if the knot in ten min- 
utes was n't tied. 

He'd warm the Bishop's jacket if they 
ever met outside, 

Which scared the prelate so he pro- 
nounced them man and wife, 

To love, obey and honor for the balance 
of their life. 

[ Trumpets and drums without. 

But stay, methinks I hear the party coming. 
With trumpets trumping and the drum- 
mers drumming. 

{Bridal march, during which enter 
Katharine, Petrucio, Bianca, etc., etc^ 



7c? KATHARINE, 

Petrucio'. {^Throwing himself on dzvan.'] Well, 
Katharine dear, we 're wed at last, 
The Bishop 's tied the knot so fast 
We can't untie it. I 've promised to cherish 

thee to-day. 
Whilst thou must love, and honor, and 
— ahem — obey. 

Baptista: Yes, darling, with all his earthly goods 
he 's thee endowed, 
A fact of which you 've reason to be proud. 
And since he 's been so very kind, 
The least that you can do 's to mind. 

Bianca: Dear sister, now you're married, I ad- 
vise 
Do n't let your horrid temper rise. 
And if of trouble you would e'er be rid, 
Just always do what you are bid. 

Katharine : I pray thee, cut this business short, 
To mind a man is not my sort ; 
He '11 find before we 're wed a day, 
I '11 love and honor maybe, he '11 obey. 

Petrucio : All right, my dear, do as you will. 

But now for home we must be starting, 
The horses wait down by the hill. 
The hour has come for our departing. 



A TRAVESTY. 



79 



Bapttsta : 
Katharine , 
Petrucio : 
Lucentio : 
Petrucio : 



Grumio : 
Katharine , 



Baptista : 



Katharine , 



Grumio : 
Petrucio : 



What ! Must thou go before the spread ? 
• I will not go. 

You must. 
[Aside.] Well said. 

I regret to say that go we must. 
So without words you will please to dust, 
Hi, Grumio, the horses. 

All right, my Lord. 
I tell thee, sir, I will not go one step 

toward 
Your home this day, nor to-morrow either. 
And I shan't after that till I'm ready, 

neither. 
Listen to reason, Petrucio ; 
We 've got the Roman Catering Co. 
To furnish the supper ; stay and be fed ; 
The covers cost forty-two ducats per head. 

Do n't mind him, papa. No one wants him 

to stay. 
He can go without me. 

The devil, you say. 
No, ladies and gentlemen, I do n't care to 

eat. 
And Katharine there must go, I repeat ; 
I have means to enforce the laws I enact, 
'T is the power of wealth. 



8o KATHARINE. 



{Takes coin from pocket and addresses 
zi.-] 

Demonstrate the fact ! 

[Drops ducat into slot at right. Trap 
opens. Messengers run in and sing : 

MESSENGERS' CHORUS : 

H Tick-tick, tick-tick, || 
The telegraph quick 

I Tick-tick, tick-tick, || 

Cries click, click, click. 

II Tick-tick, tick-tick, || 

Your call we hear, 
II Tick-tick, tick-tick, jj 
We soon appear, 
We quickly answer you whene'er your 
click we hear. - 

Perhaps you will forgive our saying, l 

In our course of roundelaying, 

Messenger boys are we, 

Straight from A. D. T. 
If you wish a message sent. 
Call on us to that extent ; 
If you wish to man a yacht, 
Drop a ducat in the slot. 



A TRAVESTY. Si 

Drop a ducat, wait an hour. 
And you '11 recognize our power. 
You will be astonished quite 
At the greatness of our might. 

Katharine : 
'T is very true, dear boys. 
But your presence here annoys, 

Boys : 
Tick-tick, etc. 

II Click-click, click-click, \ 

Pray tell us why 
II Click-click, click-click, || 

You signify 

I Click-click, click-click, || 

You 'd have us near, 

II Click-click, click-click, || 

And why we 're here, 
We ask you, quickly tell us why you'd 
have us here. 

Again you will forgive our saying, 
In our course of roundelaying. 

Messenger boys are we, 

Straight from A. D. T. 
If a maid would be escorted, 
Taken to the play or courted. 



82 KATHARINE, 

Call a cab or luncheon hot, 

Drop a ducat in the slot. 
Drop a ducat, wait an hour, 
And you '11 recognize our power. 

You will be astonished quite 

At the greatness of our might. 

Katharine : 
'T is very true, my boys, 
But your presence here anoys. 

Boys : 
Click-click, etc. 

Petrucio : Now, my boys, where is your ticket, 

Put on the stamp — here, Grumio, lick it. 

Katharine : [Aside.] What horrid measure is this he 
takes. 
My heart sinks low — my left knee quakes. 

Baptsta : Ye gods ! what pow'r doth he invoke, 
This horrid weapon surpasseth joke. 

Petrucio : Take thou yon lady with auburn hair. 

Remove her at once to the realms below. 

Place her right-side up with care 

On the old white horse by the portico. 

Katharine : Horror ! The minions of corporate power 
I cannot resist. Oh, direful hour ! 

{Messengers surround her. 



A TRAVESTY. 83 

This once, Petrucio, to thy will I yield, 
But none the less thy doom is sealed. 
Far in the wilds beyond the wires' domain. 
Thy Katharine's nails will grow again. 
Lead on, fair youths, thy prisoner will go ; 
Please ask the orchestra to fiddle soft and 
low. 

CHORUS : 
II Tick-tick, tick-tick, | 
The telegraph quick, 
\ Tick-tick, tick-tick, | 
Goes cHck, click, click, etc., etc. 

[Curtain. 



ACT IV. 



SCENE I. Street outside of Padua. 



Enter Grumio and Petrucio mounted on donkeys and 

Katharine on a white horse. 



TRIO: 

Grumio : 
As we ambled along through the broad avenue, 

My little nag strangely stumbled, 
And the first thing that he knew, or she knew, or I 
knew, 

Straight over his head I tumbled. 
I fell on my head, and injured my brain, 
I busted my saddle, and fractured the rein ; 
The whole thing was due, as a matter of course. 
To the red-headed girl on the old white horse. 

Petrucio : 
We 've driven thro' pasture, thro' village, thro' town, 

We 've never before suffered trouble, 
My charger 's done nothing this trip but fall down, 

Uncertain he 's been as a bubble. 



A TRAVESTY. 85 

He 's kicked all the boys, and lost all his shoes, 
And on both of my shins he *s implanted a bruise ; 
But the whole thing is due^ as a matter of course, 
To the red-headed girl on the old white horse. 

Katharine : 

They 've both lost their tempers. Petrucio swore, 

And Grumio 's lost all the baggage ; 
Such treatment outrageous I 've ne'er had before. 

My steed here belongs to the lag age. 
I 'm weary and worn, I 'm sad and depressed, 
And tired of hearing the opinion expressed 
That our troubles are due, as a matter of course. 
To a red-headed girl on an old white horse. 

Petrucio and Grumio : 

Nov, we beg of you all to heed what we say, 

s Lear ever in mind this moral : 
■Beware of the horse with hair that is gray, 

/ And the maid with a bang that is sorrel. 
For it happens eight times in every nine 
That trouble will follow this little combine. 
Why, even.this song is due to the course 
Of a red-headed girl on an old white horse. 

{Exeunt, Petrucio to left, Grumio to right. 



86 KATHARINE. 

Katharine : 

Now, I beg of you all to heed what I say, 

Bear ever in mind this moral : 
Be kind to the horse with hair that is gray, 

And the maid with a bang that is sorrel. 
It happens nine times in every ten 
That our troubles arise from those creatures called men. 

And naught for ill luck can ever surpass 

A very fresh boy on an old jackass. 

[Enter Petructo and Grumio, and exeunt all 
together. Two strikes of the bell. Enter Lucentio.'] 

Lucent io : Here is the stile, the clock strikes two, 
Here am I come the maid to woo. 
How fair she looked to-day, whilst I 
My ignorance of Latin strove to hide. 
Thrice happy thought it was to try 
To win so beautiful a bride. 
To think 't was but by chance I met her 
And then improved it so 's to get her ! 

[Enter Tranio. 

Tranio : My lord, the matter 's all arranged, 
Unless our plans become deranged. 

Lucentio : Hast thou her father's yes obtained ? 

Tranio : Not yet, but shortly 't will be gained. 



A TRAVESTY. 



S7 



I 've sent Biondello off by rail, 
To send a telegram to me, 
'Pon reading which he cannot fail 
To give consent. 

I see, I see. 
But look, my lord. Bianca comes, ^ 

Imprudent girl, without her gums. 
I '11 wait without, and whistle if 
Aught of danger I chance to sniff. 

{Exit Tranio right, enter Bianca left. 
At last I see thee, dearest one, 
All by thy lovely self — alone. 
No musician near, with twanging string. 
To mar the song of love we sing. 
Oh, how you startle me, good sir, 
I 'm really most too scared to stir ; 
I never thought I 'd meet you here. 
Ha ! ha ! What a ridiculous idea. 
Never thought ? Do maidens ever think ? 
They lure a man up to the brink — 
{^Naively ?^ And then } 
[Sternly.] They drive him straight to 

drink. 
[Pouting.] I 'm sorry that you think we 

girls 
Are wholly bad. 
[Aside.] Ye gods ! What curls ! 



88 



KATHARINE. 



Btanca 



Lucetitio , 
Btanca : 



Lucentio 
Btanca : 

Lucentio . 



I 'm sure I 'm one of those who think 
It wrong to drive a man to drink ; 
I never did it, and hope I never will. 
Sit still, my aching heart, sit still. 
There was a man I knew, 't was said 
He looked upon the cup when red, 
Because I said I would n't wed ; 
My conscience did not feel the sin. 
Because, before he popped the rebus. 
He 'd spend his time in drinking gin 
From dewy dusk to frisky Phoebus. 
'Mongst all my friends there never was a 

duller. 
And if he chose to change the color 
Of the drink he drank from white to red 
Because I did not care to wed, 
I do n't feel that I 'm much to blame, 
For he 'd have got there just the same. 
How slang becomes those cherry lips, 
As o'er them merrily it trips. 
{Impatiently^ Our time is short. What 

hast to say ? 
I can't remain here, sir, all day ! 
List to my song, thou angel straight from 

heaven. 
[ To leader of Orchestra.'] The tune is on 

page sixty-seven. 



A TRAVESTY. 8g 

DUET. 

Lucentio : 
Prithee, pretty maiden, did you ever dream 

(Hey, but I 'm doleful willow, willow, waly !) 

That the things before you are seldom what they seem ? 

Hey willow, waly, O ! 

Beggar's garb may cover 

Rich and handsome lover, 

Hey willow, waly O ! 

Bianca : 
Gentle sir, I think I easily can see. 

Hey, that you 're doleful willow, willow waly ! 
That some things there are, not all they seem to be. 
Hey willow, waly O ! 
Garb of serf or slave, sir, 
May conceal the brave, sir, 
Hey willow, waly O ! 

Lucentio : 
Prithee, pretty maiden, would you marry such ? 

(Hey but I 'm hopeful, willow, willow, waly ! ) 
If of love and ducats he had over much ? 
Hey willow, waly O ! 
Let me hear your yes, dear. 
Straightway do confess, dear, 
Hey willow, waly O ! 



ipo 



KATHARINE. 



Bianca : 
Gentle sir, I *d marry you without a single cent, 
Lucent to : 
(Hey but I 'm happy, willow, willow waly ! ) 
Bianca : 
If you '11 get Baptista to give us his consent, 
Lucentio : 
Hey willow, waly O ! 
Bianca : 
Get Papa's aye, aye, dear. 
And I '11 be your bride, dear, 
Both : 
Hey willow, waly O ! 

[ Whistle without. Enter Tranio. 
Tranio : Baptista 's coming on the jump, 

Get thee behind yon oaken stump. 
'T were well to hide, for he 's slightly blue. 
And might not be pleased at the sight of 
you. 

{Bianca and Lucentio retire behind 
tree. Enter Baptista. 
Baptista : Ah, Lucentio, what dost thou here ? 

Thou find'st us pretty dull, I fear. 
Tranio : Oh no, my lord, I 'm waiting for some 
news — 
From Pisa, sir. I 've got no time to lose. 



A TRAVESTY. 



gi 



For Gremio swears, unless I hear to-day 

From father about the hack, 

You '11 let him take the maid away, 

My outlook 's getting black. 

I 'm sorry, friend. I hke you more than 

t* other, 
But I made a promise to Bianca's mother 
To see her wed to none but Croesus — 
With ducats, lands, and shares, and leases. 
To break that promise would enchant me, 
But if I did, her ghost would haunt me. 
Ah, here 's a messenger. Hi, boy ! 
District Telegraph, ahoy ! 
This way. {Enter Messenger, 

For whom hast thou the gram ? 
Are you Lucentio ? 

I am. 
{Takes message and tears zt open. 
Excuse me. It reads : " Lucentio, Padua, 
Take the hack route. I 'm very glad you 

are 
Likely to win the lovely Bianca. 
Her father, I hear, is a prosperous banker. 
If there 's anything else you want very bad. 
Do n't fail to write to your loving Dad. 
Dear old Pop, I knew he 'd come to time. 
Does he always correspond in rhyme ? 



Q2 



KATHARINE. 



Tranio : I prithee pardon if I importune 

About thy child ? I 'd Hke the wedding 
soon. 

Baptista : \Looking at message?^ This may be 
forged. I fail to see 
Wherein I have a guarantee — 

Tranio : [Impatiently ?[ 'T is daddy's writing, I '11 
attest. 

Baptista : Then set your fears, dear sir, at rest, 
No more about the maid palaver, 
I give my word, Lucentio may have her. 

\Exit right with Tranio. Bianca throws her 
arms about Lucentio s neck as they emerge from 
behind tree. Orchestra plays " Willow, Willow, 
Waly" as they cross stage and exeunt.'] 



SCENB II. Room in Petrucio's house. Enter Cooks. 



COOKS' CHORUS: 

Oh, we are six jolly, jolly ruffians, 

So very bad, we 're sinning all the time. 

We 've worked for all the very best Italians 
And our chief delight consists in horrid crime. 



A TRAVESTY, pj 

We 've been employed by pope and royal family, 
By the Cassars and Lucretia Borgia, too. 

We 've driven many a mortal man to lunacy 
With our very tasty Prussic Acid Stew. 

Who 's responsible for all the indigestion 

That is rife to-day in sunny Italy ? 
If you really wish an answer to the question 

We do n't hesitate to give it to you : WE ! 

When you chance to read of any horrid accident. 
Whereby an aged person came to die, 

It 's ten to one this pleasant little incident 
Was caused by eating our ar-senic pie. 

Of poisoned fruits and cake we make a specialty, 
Prussic acid pudding, pat^ of strychnine, 

Chloroform or arsenic in fricassee. 
And a bun that 's chiefly made of Paris green. 

[Loud noise and shouting without 

For we are six jolly, jolly ruffians. 
So very bad we *re sinning all the time, 

Who 've worked for all the very best Italians 
And whose chief delight consists in horrid crime. 

[Enter Grumio, 



g4 KATHARINE. 

Grumio : Hi ! what 's this noise ? You 'd best be 
quiet, 
The master 's come and likes not riot. 
He 's just been married and ain't feeling 

happy, 
For he 's wed a shrew that s somewhat 
snappy, 
Petrucio : [ Without ^^ Hey, Grumio. Grumio, where 

have you gone ? 
Grumio : Illustrious Waverley ! As sure as I 'm born, 
I 'd sooner take part in a railroad disaster 
Than go outside there and tackle the mas- 
ter. 

{Enter Petrucio, whip ift hand, Katha- 
rine follows. 
Petrucio : Ah, here you are, you villain, confound you. 
With six grinning apes gathered around 

you ; 
Why did n't you come when I called you ? 
Explain ? {Snaps whip, 

Grumio : If you please, sir, I 'd just — 
Petrucio : Well, do n't do it again. 

{Katharine sinks exhausted into chair. 
Petrucio : { To cooks.] Hold up your heads, you ruf- 
fian crew, 
I do n't want any limpness in my retinue. 
{Snaps whip. Cooks get in line. 



A TRAVESTY. pj 

Petrucio : You see, Mrs. P., I 'm master here, 

A fact I 'd advise you to notice, my dear. 

SONG. 
Petrucio : 

I 'm the master of this mansion. See their menial 
faces twitching. 

Cowards all, 
When I call, 
To each I daily give a switching. 
To set them howling, 
And cure their scowling, 

Is bewitching. 
You see, my dear, 
I 'm master here. 
With my trusty switch I beat them, 

Heeding not excuses. 
'T is the only way to treat them. 
Thus avoid abuses. 
Give them this, both night and morning, 
Justice, mercy, ever scorning, 
Spur them on to do my bidding. 
Laggards all my household ridding. 
Every morn at nine about, 
I thrash them with this trusty knout. 



g6 KATHARINE, 

Ah, yes, I whack them. 
Upon the back I daily thwack them, 
With this I knout them, 
'T is thus 1 flout^them. 
A philanthropic master is the brave Petrucio. 

'ICooks Drill. 
Katharine : See here, Petrucio, send the cooks below, 

[Exeunt cooks. 
I swear to you I 'm nearly starved. 
Tell them I 'd like a baked potato, 
And a bit of chicken already carved. 
Petrucio : Hungry, my dear ? You can't be so, 

Just think of the wedding feast at home. 
Katharine : We 'd none of it, quite well you know. 
Petrucio : Come, Katharine, do n't begin to foam. 
Emulate me. Keep down your temper 
And happiness will reign, sic semper. 
Katharine : Get me a bun, a piece of cake or pie. 
For heaven's sake, do n't let me die. 
Petrucio : Hi, there, without — mince pie for three. 
And poulet i la cr^me or fricassee, 
Or roast, or fried, or any way. 
We do n't care how, so long as it 's poulet. 
Katharine : 'T will take a week to cook a hen. 
Petrucio : Never mind the chicken, bring the pie. 
Katharine : To make mine pie takes nine or ten. 
Petrucio : Do n't mind the pastry. What will you try ? 



A TRAVESTY. gy 

We've water, flour and nutmegs in the 
larder. 
Katharine : Was e'er a bridal trip made harder ? 
Can't you get me a morsel of bread? 
Petrucio : The morsels are out, but the table is 
spread. 
If you 're fond of nice china, I 've Crown 

Derby plates. 
And a fine set of Worcester in several 

states, 
I 've Minton for fish and Trenton for fruit. 
Katharine : I 've reached the conclusion you 're naught 
but a brute, 
Talking of plates to a famished soul. 
I '11 stand it no longer — I 'm here to control. 
Master you may be ; mistress I am. 
Hi, cook, send us up an oyster or clam — 
You must not give orders. 

I '11 do as I choose. 
Command as you please. The men will 
refuse. 

[Enter Milliner. 
Well, what do you want ? Who ordered 

you here } 
The madame, I think, sir. 

Is this true, my dear ? 



g8 KATHARINE, 

Katharine : It is true. I telegraphed down here from 
pa's, 
I wished a new hat. Pray be seated. 
Petrucio : By Mars 

But this is a beautiful spirit, I swear ; 
She'll run me in debt if I don't have a 

care. 
You do n't need a hat any more than I 

need 
Two heads on my shoulders — a bonnet, 
indeed. 
Katharine : Two heads on your shoulders might give 
you more sense. 
Pray show me the hat. 
Petrucio : Ah, what 's the expense ? 

Katharine : You '11 find that out when you get the bill. 
Petrucio : Well, this beats the Dutch ! My fluttering 

lung, be still. 
Milliner : This is the bonnet, ma'm ; it 's somewhat 
low. 
Only three yards from end to end ; 
But the fashion 's changed this year, you 
know. 
Katharine : How nicely all these colors blend. 
Red, green, yellow, blue and pink. 
Petrucio : Blend like the parrot and the missing link. 



A TRAVESTY. 



99 



You cannot purchase, Kate, that bonnet ; 
I put my veto, love, upon it. 

Katharine : What care I for your veto, sir ? 

To keep the bonnet I much prefer. 
Keep it I shall, and, what's more, I'll 

wear it 
To church next Sabbath, if the Fates shall 
spare it. 

Petrucio : Well, if I 'm the Fates, it won't be spared, 
I 'm not going to have the dominie scared 
By a thing like that in the middle aisle. 

Milliner : The bonnet, sir, is quite the style. 

My daughter, who 's just back from town. 
With all the styles for the modern gown, 
Went one evening to see the play. 
And all the ladies were dressed this way — 
Indeed, the papers are all in a rage 
Because no man can see the stage. 

Petrucio : That 's just the point. The hat must go. 

Katharine : Then go it shall — upon my head. 

Petrucio : [ Tossing it through the window?^ Out 
of the window, down below. 
'T will look quite well in the flower bed. 
{Exit Milliner. 

Katharine : [Aside.] The man 's a brute ; but I '11 
conquer yet. 



y 



iqo KATHARINE. 

I must dissemble ; let him think me tame 

Until the upper hand some day I get, 
And then I 11 bring my lord to shame. 
{Aloud.'] Well, Petrucio, thou hast won 

at last. 
I will submit and cut loose from the past. 
I 've been so full of caprice and of whim, 
That my sense of justice has been dim. 
I yield allegiance, for I admire thy pluck ; 
By thy force of character I 'm greatly 

struck, 
, And all my vices, to-day will see me rout 

'em, 
And from this date I '11 do without 'em. 

SONG: 

Katharine : 
I 've reached the sage conclusion that there 's little 
satisfaction 
In giving way to temper when events do n't suit me 
quite. 
My previous disposition I intend to draw from action, 
And indulge in amiability instead of petty spite. 

Temper, indeed. 

I 'm going to do without it, I won't have any more, 

I 'm going to do without it, just as lots have done before. 



A TRAVESTY. loi 

I 'm going to be a martyr, quite free from war and 
strife, 
And all the boys and girls will say, 
Oh, there goes a sweet young wife. 

I '11 never throw a hatchet at my husband or my daddy, 
I '11 never toss the bric-a-brac or pictures on the floor, 

I '11 never smash the windows with the cover to the 
caddy, 
Nor will I rise at six A. M. and madly yell for gore. 

Gore, indeed. 

I 'm going to do without it, etc. 

I '11 cease to answer compliment with rude insinuation, 
I '11 trip the light fantastic toe and sing once in a 
while, 
I '11 cease to swear and tear my hair in mental aber- 
ration, 
And once a week exert myself to take an honest 
smile. 
Blues, indeed ! 
I 'm going to do without 'em, etc. 

I '11 swear off theatre bonnets with birds for decora- 
tion. 
My hats will all be small and never more than eight 
feet high ; 
I '11 cease to rile my husband for my private delectation. 



I02 KATHARINE. 

And, oh, to be a sweet young thing and amiable, I '11 
try. 
Vices, indeed ! 

I 'm going to do without 'em, I won't have any more, 
I 'm going to swear them off just as lots have done 

before, 
I 'm going to be a martyr, and all wickedness eschew, 

So that the boys and girls will say, 
Oh, my, what a tame young shrew ! 

Petrucio : Katharine, with joy you fill my heart. 

To hear thee promise t' obey, doth gladden. 

Let us at once for thy father's house 
depart, 

Which thou hast done so much to sadden. 

'T were best to let him share at once our 
joy. 

And once for all his forebodings ill destroy. 

Thou shalt have the bonnet, darling ; Pe- 
trucio will get it ; 

And on thy dainty head will straightway 
set it. 

{Exit Petrucio. 

Katharine : The scheme begins to work. I '11 have 
him 'neath my thumb 
Ere once again the Sabbath day hath 
come. 



A TRA VESTY, joj 

Indeed, I 'II have him there before thou 

wanest, Luna, 
Within two days, my love— or sooner. 

[Enter Petrucio with bonnet. 
Ah, husband dear, thou truly dost 
Not know the sweetness of perfect trust. 
Petruco : Beloved Kate, I '11 learn from thee. 

Day after day ; but darling, see — ^ 

The horses now quite ready are. 
We '11 start at once for Padua. 

{^Exeunt. 



SCENE III. Street outside of Padua. Enter Newsboys. 



CHORUS. 

Extra, extra, buy your papers. 

All the latest news we sell. 
Murders, scandals, foreign capers, 

Extra Cablegram will tell. 
Extra, extra, buy your papers. 

Here 's the five o'clock Pell-Mell, 
Murders, scandals, warlike vapors. 

In the extra evening Sell. 

Stock fluctuations. 
And all flirtations. 
Great fabrications, 



I04 KATHARINE. 

When news is short, 
Large circulations, 
Small compensations. 
All through the nation 's 

The Cablegram bought. 

Will you have a World or Swi, sir. 

Daily Tribune or the Times f 
You will find in every one, sir, 

Full accounts of horrid crimes. 
Or, perhaps an evening journal, 

Advertiser, Eve?ii?tg Post, 
Giving all the news nocturnal, 

They 're the ones that cost the most. 

Extra, extra, buy your papers. 
Any price, just take your pick. 

Murders, scandals, warlike vapors. 
Social news and politic. 

[Enter Baptista, followed by Tranio 
disguised as Lucentio. 

Baptista : This absence of Bianca makes me fear. 

That she '11 come back is hardly to be 

hoped. 
At ten this morn she went from here, 
It looks as if the maid 's eloped. 



A TRAVESTY, 



105 



That seems a most unlikely measure, 
But if it happen that thy treasure 
Has thought it well to wed another, 
I beg that thou wilt strive to smother 
Thy passionate resentment for the deed, 
Thus I, the jilted one, do plead. 

A noble fellow, Lucentio, thou art. 
I wish I had another daughter. 
For, if thou could'st but win her heart, 
I 'd give her to thee, had'st thou ne'er a 
quarter. 

\_Enter Gremio. 

Well, Baptista, sir, how goes the game i* 
This day must you decide between us. 
Which takes away the lovely dame 

Who vies in beauty with Mme. Venus ? 
Hast thou not heard that I have won ? 
Thou? 

Yes, friend, Lucentio 's my son. 
His father sent him lots of wealth. 
By gods endowed with perfect health. 
But the maid, alas ! is gone by stealth. 
And though he 's won, the maid 's not his, 
She left home early in the morn, 
No one knows just where she is. 
Except, forsooth, that she is gone. 



io6 


KATHARINE. 


Gremio : 


Ha ! ha ! 'T is plain for whom she cared, 




Not for him — the idiotic youth — 




But eke for me, sedate and silver haired. 


Tranio : 


With sixteen false and one good tooth. 


Greinio : 


What 's that you say ? 


Tram'o : 


Thy tooth— 


Grejnio : 


'T is false! 


Tranio : 


That 's what I said— thy base assaults 




On rivals seem to be inspired 




By jealousy, so cease, you make me tired. 



Newsboys : 

Extra, extra, buy your papers, 
Any price, just take your pick, 

Scandals, murders, foreign capers. 
Social news and politic. 



Baptist a : Here, my boy, give me the Sun, 

Somebody 's hurt, let 's read about the 
fun. 
Tram'o: {Looking over Baptista's shoulder^ 
" Telegraph Ticks : The Taming of a 
Shrew," 
That 's pretty good ; let 's cut it out ; 
For, after all, it may be true, 
And will help Petrucio beyond a doubt. 



A TRAVESTY. 



107 



It 's Katharine that 's 



Why, so it is ! 
Well, I'll be blamed. 
" On Saturday noon, 



Why, I declare. 

tamed 
{^Snatching paper i\ 
{Snatching paper ?[ 
{Snatching paper.'] 

at Petrucio 's bower, 
After a tussle of more than an hour, 
Katharine, his wife, surrendered the fight. 
The victor and vanquished reach town 

to-night." 
To-night ? Great Scott ! 't is now to-night, 
They '11 soon be here ! Oh, horrid plight. 
The girl 's day out, Bianca gone ! 
The festal board will look forlorn 
[Reading.] I say, see here, Hortensio 's 

been wed. 
He 's married Laura, who 's husband 's 

lately dead. 
What 's this ! Great Heavens ! A nice 

young ma.n you are. 

[To Tranio. 
Produce Bianca, thou villain vile, 
Thou hast deceived her trustful Pa ; 
Read that, Baptista — 

Thou dost revile 
A bit too much, thou aged fop. 
It makes me weary. 'T were well to stop. 



jo8 



KATHARINE. 



Ere this thy years restrained my fist, 
Hereafter, sir, I would advise, desist. 

Baptista : What libel 's this before my eyes ! 

Bianca married ? The paper lies. 

Read, Lucentio, what it says of thee 

Under the marriages. 
Tranio : Yes, I see. 

" By the Reverend Bishop of St. Hilde- 
garde's, 

Bianca to Lucentio, No cards." 

Baptista : It cannot be. You 've been all day with 

me. 
Gremio : But yonder she comes, with her tutor. 
See! 
By Jove, this rascal 's played the traitor ! 
I '11 trounce him well when I see him later. 
Baptista : The tutor ! Heavens ! How my head 
doth swim. 
Suppose the girl 's eloped with him ! 

[Enter Lucentio and Bianca. 

Bianca : Hello, papa. I hope you 've not been 
worried, 
Lucy and I have greatly hurried. 

Baptista : Lucy ? Who 's Lucy, and what does this 
mean? 



A TRA VESTY, 



log 



It means we are married, Pop-papa dear. 
{Laughing.'] Pop-papa dear ! methinks 

there '11 be a scene. 
'T were best for me to get away from here. 

[Exit. 
[To Bzanca.'] Married? To him? My 

heart is broke. [ Weeps. 

I pray forgive them ere you choke. 
Why, papa dear, you surely said I might. 
Y-yes, pop-papa dear, Bianca 's right. 
Dear sir, I 've no wish to be impolite, 
But that assertion I deny, most flat ! 
[To Tram'o.'] I never said she could 

marry that ! 
You did. " Lucentio may have her," were 

the words you used. 
And I sha' n't stay here and have my love 

abused. 
Those certainly were the words you spoke. 
The very words, right here by the oak. 
Nobody says I did n't say that. 
But you 're not Lucentio, that 's very pat. 
I am Lucentio, dearest papa. 
Lucentio, eh ? The devil you are ! 
A very good joke. What think you, my 

boy? [To Tram'o. 



no 



KATHARINE. 



Tranio : Baptista, he 's right. I 'm but a decoy. 
Baptista : What, you a decoy ? And the Niagaran 

carriage ? 
Tranio : Naught but a ruse to hasten this marriage. 

Baptista : Oh, I am undone. This villainous pair 

Have ruined completely my favorite 
schemes. 
Bianca's ma's spook will pull out my hair, 
And haunt me when waking and ruin 
my dreams. 

Bianca : Do n't take on, papa, in this horrible way, 
My Lucy in private has something to say. 

Baptista : I '11 not deign to speak to the treacherous 
mortal. 
And should he come home, he '11 be kicked 

from the portal. 
I won't have him enter my mansion again. 
Lucentio : You really do n't know me, Baptista, that 's 

plain. 
Baptista : I do n't, and do n't wish to. 
Lucentio : All right, sir. Farewell. 

Tranio, listen. I wish you would tell 
The board that I 'm going to Pisa to- 
morrow. 
Baptista : [Asi^e.] The board ? What is this— 



A TRAVESTY. 



Ill 



Express, too, my sorrow 

To the Street Car Directors that my 
absence prevented 

Their getting the franchise ; and see if 
they 've rented 

My Villa at Newport. Then go and collect 

My Government coupons. Be sure and 
inspect 

Those Paduan mortgages left at the bank. 

In the lottery scheme let all draw a blank. 

Then go to the Opera, buy the best seats, 

And sell them for double the usual receipts. 

Work up a corner in grain and in wheat, 

And squeeze all the orphans you find on 
the street. 

Be careful, good Tranio, careful and 
callous. 

Your reward for to-day's work 's an an- 
cestral palace. 

With modern improvements in neighbor- 
hood healthy. 

Stick by me, my boy. Ere long you '11 be 
wealthy. 

The Gas Trust in Venice, I think you 
forgot 

To give me instructions — and then, sir, the 
Yacht ? 



112 



KATHARINE. 



Lucentio : Oh, never mind. The Trust and Yacht 
may wait, 
They are but trifles — how many millions ? 
Tranio : Eight. 

Lucentio : A bagatelle. Attend you to the rest. 
Trafiio : I '11 strive, my Lord, to do your least 
behest. \Exit: 

Baptista : [As/de.] An incarnated mine I seem t' have 
struck, 
I 've certainly no reason for being down on 

luck. 
He 's an alderman, bondholder, in grain an 

operator, 
Likewise from what I gather a ticket spec- 
ulator, 
'Twere foolish to hold out 'gainst one 

who 's thus endowed, 
I '11 stop this talk " aside " and forgive 

the pair aloud. 
[ To Bianca and Lucent to. '\ Children, for- 
give me if I 've seemed too hard, 
A father's feelings you must regard. 
When I heard you 'd gone I raised a row, 
For I felt pretty mad — but I 'm better now. 
Lucentio: [Aside.] I thought the wealth would 
assuage his sorrow. 
I greatly hope he '11 not wish to borrow. 



A TRAVESTY, 



113 



For I 've scarce a ducat, am nowhere 

trusted, 
And 't would break his heart to know me 

busted. 
Beloved father, I thought that you'd repent. 
I likewise had a thought to that extent. 
Come, take my blessing. Down upon 

your knees. 
Thanks, dearest Pop, I '11 stand up, if you 

please. 
You see, beneath my toga I 've a pair of 

Sunday pants, 
And I do n't exactly like to kneel. It 

breeds extravagance. 
It cost six ducats for the crease that runs 

along the knee. 
And so I '11 stand and take the bless, if it's 

all the same to thee. 
Me, too, Papa ; Lucentio's objections I 

commend. 
My dress indeed 's so very tight, I really 

could n't bend. 
All right, beloved ones, you need not stoop, 
I can bless you just as well without the 

droop. 
Now, Bianca, homeward run. Prepare the 

tea: 



114 



KATHARINE, 



I 'm going to give a general jubilee. 
Invite the neighbors, one and all, to come — 
We '11 pass an evening grandly frolicsome. 
Petrucio and Katharine are now upon the 

road, 
And ere the sun has set will grace my 

blest abode. 
Bianca : Katharine coming ? Oh, dear, how horrid ! 
I greatly fear she '11 make the evening 

torrid. 
Baptista : Oh, never fear. Petrucio 's tamed her. 

Read the Sun. 
I 'd give a cent to know just how 't was 

done. 
Lucentio : [AsiWe.] I '11 bet most anything he used 

a gun. 

{Exewit, Bianca reading paper. 

Newsboys : 
Extra, extra, buy your papers, etc., etc. 



Scene IV. Banqueting Hall. Table at rear. All but Katharine and Petrucio 
are present and grouped about the room. Chorus at rear sing Glee. 



Baptista : 



\Rising^ Welcome, my friends, I 'm 

glad to see 
So many grace this jubilee. 
Why I rejoice, you '11 forthwith hear, 
And I have small doubts you'll loudly cheer 



A TRAVESTY. 775 

To know Kate 's tasted discipline, 
That Bianca 's found a son for me, 
And married life will soon begin. 
Hortensio : Bianca married — oh ! horrid lot ! 

{Grasping Hortensio' s arm.] What 's 
that you say ? 

[Aside.] Phew, I forgot ! 

My darling, nothing. Do n't ! You hurt. 
I pitied him who won the flirt. 
That 's all. 

Well, it 's sufficient. 
In the art of expression you 're quite de- 
ficient. 
I could have sworn your face spoke grief 
Of a different sort. That is, in brief. 
Had you been jealous of Lucentio, 
You 'd not have looked much different. 

Oh, 
You wrong me, Laura, I love but you, 
Thou perfect being from hat to shoe. 

I wonder where Petrucio and Kate can be. 
I expected them at six thirty-three. 

[Looking at watch.] They should be 

here by now. I fear 
Katharine 's had a relapse. Oh, dear. 



ii6 



KA THARINE. 



Luceniio : 

Chorus : 
Katharine 
Petrucio : 



Katharine 
Petrucio : 
Baptista : 
Katharine 

Petrucio : 



Laura 



A fine jubilee 'twould be, indeed, 
If to former ways she should recede. 

{Shouts without. 
But hist ! What cheers are these without ? 
'T is they, good friends, beyond a doubt. 

{Enter Petrucio, leading Katharine by 
a chain. Grumio follows. 
Great heavens ! what a change has come. 
It can't be real. 

Thrice welcome home ! 
.• Thanks, good neighbors. 

That '11 do, Kate. 
I '11 do the talking. We 're somewhat late ; 
But we came by the Rapid Transit road. 
That stops nowdays at every third abode. 
.• Why, yes, if we had walked, I think — 
To think you 're not required. Shrink ! 
Why, Petrucio, let my daughter speak. 
.• [/« tears?^ I 've hardly spoken for a 
week. 
Good sir, I beg do n't interfere, 
I 'm master of my own. My dear, 
Go to your room and remove your hat. 
And we '11 go help you, Kate. We '11 chat 
About these horrid men we 've wed. 
{Whisper si\ And cook up schemes to 
make them wish them dead. 



A TRAVESTY. 



117 



Petrucio : I 'd much prefer she 'd go alone. 
Hortensio, tell your bride to stay, 
I hardly like thy lady 's tone. 

Hortensio : I let her have her own sweet way. 
You see, Petrucio, she 's buried four 
Good men and true — a goodly score ! 
And so with her I hate to be at odds. 
Lest I be laid beneath the sods. 

{Exeunt Katharine, Laura and 
Bianca. The men gather about Petrucio 
and shake his hand. 

Grumio : I did n't think it could be done. 

Baptista : 'T is the greatest wonder 'neath the sun. 

Lucentio : I would n't care to bet you 've won, 

'T would not surprise me if she yet re- 
volted. 

Petrucio : Oh, never fear. I have her ! Riveted 
and bolted. 

Hortensio : I 'd like to know just how you do it. 

If the plan were easy, I might pursue it. 

Petrucio : Well, I hardly know, if I 'd been like you, 
And married a widow, just what I 'd do. 
But in my case, I made a list 
Of failings that she should desist. 
And by withholding meat and drink, 
I tamed her pretty well, I think. 

Lucentio : A list, you say ? What was it, pray ? 



Ii8 KATHARINE. 

Petrucio : If the orchestra will kindly play, " It never 
would be missed," 
I '11 warble to you, gentlemen, of what it 
did consist. 

SONG. 

Petrucio : 
As some day it may happen that your wives shall be 
too airy, 
I 've made a little list, I 've made a little list. 
Of the foibles and the failings of the woman who 's 
contrary, 
Which never would be missed, which never would 
be missed. 
There 's the craze for contradiction, no matter what 

is said. 
The habit of indulging in the wish that_they were dead, 
The never-failing reservoir of tears wherewith to weep, 
And the purchasing of anything that happens to be 

cheap. 
The wearing of the hair aback in horrid Psyche twist — 
They 'd none of them be missed, they 'd none of 
them be missed. 

Chorus : 
He 's got 'em on his list, he 's got 'em on his list. 
And they never will be missed, they never will be 
missed. 



A TRAVESTY. 119 

Petrucio : 
The making of unkind remarks about their dearest 

friends, 
They rarely will desist — I have it on my list. 
The utter disregard they have for lack of dividends, 
Which frequently are missed, oh, yes, they 're often 
missed ; 
Their pretty schemes for charity and ever constant 

calls 
Upon the pocket and the bank for Charitable Balls, 
Devotion to the Dorcas Club and all affairs of church. 
Which leave Papa with buttons loose and babies in the 

lurch. 
Pushed to the brink of ruin by a Dude Evangelist, 
I 've got him on the list — I trust he '11 soon be 

missed. 

Chorus : 

He 's got him on the list. 

Petrucio : 
To cure all these infirmities I think I 've found a way. 
So that they will exist no more upon the list. 
When she has gone to Dorcas Club, why go you to 
the play. 
The Dorcas will be missed, quite soon it will be 
missed ; 
Whene'er she wears her Psyche twist, remark, " Oh, 
lovely Jane, 



I20 



KATHARINE. 



Your back hair 's just too lovely, like the handle 

to a cane." 
And should she pine for novels, get her " Woman's 

Work for Lent." 
She '11 soon swear off the parson to a very large extent ; 
And when she argues with you, in silence just persist, 
And you '11 find she '11 soon desist, you '11 find she '11 
soon desist. 

Chorus : 
We will find she '11 soon desist if in silence we persist. 

Hortensio : That 's all very well. Suppose the scheme 

do n't work, 
Suppose your wife should chance to have 

the virtues of the Turk ? 
Then, good Petrucio, what would'st thou 

do? 

Petrucio: I 'd emulate the Tartar, too. 

Lucentio : Maybe you 're right. But I do n't believe 
Your scheme will work. I do n't perceive 
That two wrongs ever make a right. 

Petrucio: I '11 show you, then, this very night. 

I '11 wager that my wife 's more tame 
Than those who've just assumed your 
name. 



A TRAVESTY. 



121 



Lucentto 
Petrucio . 



Grumio . 



Petrucio 



Hortensio 
Grumio : 
Lucentio : 
Petrucio : 



The bet 's absurd. We 're sure to win. 
Still would I bet ; put up your tin. 

[Katharine appears at door and listens. 
Or, if not coin, my supremacy I '11 bet. 
That Katharine obeys like a drilled cadet 
My least command. 

Oh, master, master, do n't you do it. 
I 've a dread presentment that you '11 

rue it. 
Thy wife's been closeted an hour now 

with Laura, 
And the combination, sir, inspires me with 

horror. 
[Aside.] Ye gods ! I had forgotten that. 
'T were dangerous e'en to bet a hat, 
I must back down or forever bow. 
I '11 take the bet. 

There '11 be a row. 
And so will I. 

[Aside.] What have I done ? 

Yet must I take them. [Atoud.] Well, 

Grumio, run. 
Say to thy mistress I desire her at once, 
That no delay I '11 brook. [Aside.] I 've 

been a dunce. 

[Exit Grumio. 



122 



KATHARINE. 



However, I shall hope the best, 
But ne'er again so rashly seek the test. 
She 's bound to come — her spirit 's surely 
gone. 

\^Enter Grumz'o with clothing torn and 
much demoralized. 
Grumio : Oh, let me die ! I 'm ripped and torn. 

Before she gets here let me go ! 
Petrucio: Come, sir, what message for Petrucio? 

Grumio : She '11 come when she pleases, she bade 
me say. 
She declares no longer she '11 obey ; 
She 's fully armed and backed by Laura. 
You 'd better fly, sir — you had, begorra. 

{Loud crash without. 
Baptista : She 's on the rampage. What shall we do ? 

[Crash. 

Petrucio : I 'd much prefer to leave that, sir, to you. 
I 'm so confused. I did n't think the play 
Was brought to a finish in just this way. 
I fully understood when I took this part 
That Kate should be subdued and tamed. 
I suppose the author thought it smart 
To have me thus in public shamed ; 
But if there 's law within the land, 

[Crash. 



A TRAVESTY. 123 

I '11 make him smart another way. 
Before a jury he '11 have to stand, 
And for breach of promise be made to 
pay. 

{Crash, 
Hortensio : I thought the libretto called for submission. 
There's been a conspiracy in the inter- 
mission. 

{Crash. 
Petrucio : For Heaven's sake, get me a gun, 

Give me a cannon. This may be fun 
For you. Oh, laugh av^ay. Of course. 
A horse ! a horse ! My kingdom for a 
horse ! 

{Enter Katharine with whip in hand, 
followed by Bia?tca and Laura. 
Katharine : Aha, my tyrant ! Here you are ! 
Petrucio : Yes, Katie sweet, I 'm here. Aha ! 
Katharine : You said you wanted me, I believe ! 
Petrucio : Not this evening, dearest, some other eve. 
Lucentio : The noble warrior. How he doth quake. 
Baptista : Please note the neighbors. For heaven's 

sake, 
Do n't humiliate us all before them. 
Laura : Do n't mind the neighbors, Kate. Ignore 

them, 



124 KA THARINE, 

They were invited to note your fall. 
Go in and win, while you have the call. 
Katharine : Fear not for me hereafter, Laura, 
I think I have this lusty roarer 
Just where I wish him. Down, tyrant, 
down ! 

Petrucio : All right, Kate dear — but please don't 
frown. [^He falls on his knees. 

You frighten hubby, do n't you know, 
And wifey dear, go slow, go slow. 

Bianca : There, Katharine, now he '5 down, let up — 
Let all together harmoniously sup. 

Petrucio : Yes, darling wife, let 's go and eat, 
And, please, may I resume my feet? 

Katharine : [ Tying chain about him.'] Yes, my dear. 
Petrucio may rise. 
If I read obedience in his eyes. 

Petrucio : Two pupils in mine eyes there are. 
Quick-witted, too, the retina ; 
But how to print obedience there. 
They have no notion. 

Katharine : If you '11 swear 

Before these people forever to eschew 
Thine amateurish efforts to tame a shrew, 
I '11 let you up. 



A TRAVESTY. 



125 



Petrucio : 



Laura : 
Baptista 



Hortensio . 

Lucentio : 
Laura : 



Baptista : 



Gremio : 
Tranio : 



I swear before them all 
That, after this, when e'er you call, 
Or even whistle, I '11 come to thee. 
Hurrah for Kate and victory ! 
Well, this is great. The groom hath falt- 
ered. 
Our jubilee must now be altered. 
I think, as Petrucio has struck his colors, 
Lucentio and I should do hkewise. 
And of submission eat the crullers. 
I '11 gladly do as you advise. 

[ T/iey embrace their wives. 
That 's right ; give up to the sex called 

sweet. 
Whether 'tis argument or a horse-car 

seat. 
Give up to the ladies, e'en though they fail 

to rank you 
Amongst those mortals who 're worth a 

thank you. 
That 's what I did, and I was gray 
Before I 'd been wed a year and a day, 
But hairs of gray become a man, I 've 

heard. 
They do, indeed. 

Oh, how absurd ! 
[Gremio and Tranio retire, quarrelling. 



126 KA THARINE. 

Katharine : And now I 'd like to say a word. 
Petrucio : You 're pretty sure to say it if you desire. 
Bianca : Be still, Petrucio. Do n't arouse her ire. 
Katharine : Will Shakespeare or Bacon, or whoever 
wrote the play 

Called " Taming of the Shrew " — a mad 
affray — 

Doubtless studied deeply the shrews of 
his day. 

Abuse with them may have been the means 

Of making things pleasant behind the 
scenes ; 

But to say that Cupid can be knouted into 
line. 

That aggravation is the cure for tempers 
such as mine. 

That boorish behavior alone inspires re- 
spect. 

And makes a maiden honor the groom- 
elect — 

Why, I certainly deny that the moral 's 
fair. 

What has happened here, will happen 
elsewhere. 

And to Bacon or Shakespeare I would 
publicly say, 

That the modern shrew is n't built that way. 



A TRAVESTY. 127 

Now if Petrucio will to this fact agree. 
The management of home he may divide 
with me, 
Petrucio : Sweet Katharine, of your remarks I recog- 
nize the force : 
Do n't strive to tame a woman as you 
would a horse. 

CHORUS. 
Omnes : 
And now good night ; the battle fierce is over, 
Hereafter all will dwell most happily in clover. 
Our enemies are routed. 
Their morals bad are flouted, 
And we most peacefully may ever dwell in clover. 

True love will reign 

Again. 
Kindness, to the fore, 
Down with clanking chain, 
Quarrelling give o'er. 
The fight is over. 
We '11 dwell in clover, 
In happiness and peace we '11 live forevermore. 

{Curtain. 



UILDSS BROTHERS A TURNURt 

ANT AOE PHESS 

I * 402 WEST 14TH STREET, N, 



KATHARINE 



A TRAVESTY 



BY 



JOHN KENDRICK BANGS 




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